There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand… — Steve Martin Copy Share Image
There was one rumor that I saw in a magazine saying I was pregnant. I thought that was brilliant and it still… — Robert Pattinson Copy Share Image
Anything that gets you to release the stress in your life and really laugh is worthwhile. It can heal the planet. It… — Lucie Arnaz Copy Share Image
Within less than an hour, Chuck and I easily located what could well be the correct platform, where we pass the time… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Are we so desperate for entertainment that we will fall for a Trickless magician?? Saw a woman in half. Pull a rabbit… — Chris Rock Copy Share Image
When I walked in on 'Drag Race' and saw Katya, I had no idea she was gonna be funny, because she was… — Trixie Mattel Copy Share Image
You remind me of the Siberian hunting spider, which adopts a highly convincing limp in three of its eight legs in order… — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
“Emma has been meaning to read more ever since she was twelve years old. I have seen a great many lists of… — Jane Austen Copy Share Image
Pete Davidson - he's in the movie 'Trainwreck.' He has a small part in it. I told Lorne Michaels about him, said… — Bill Hader Copy Share Image
Last time I went Intercity there were a couple across the aisle having sex. Of course, this being a British train, nobody… — Victoria Wood Copy Share Image
My father Rodger is your typical 'funny without knowing it' kinda guy. When he says something that creates shock or joy in… — Iain Stirling Copy Share Image
They can't expect anyone to actually pay for a shirt that says, 'I (picture of an elephant) the San Diego Zoo.' What… — Adam Rex Copy Share Image
A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I LOVE EVERYONE...SOME I LOVE TO BE AROUND, SOME I LOVE TO AVOID...AND SOME I WOULD LOVE TO PUNCH ON THEIR FACE...!!… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Would you like to sit?" Kellen asked her. "You'd better do it soon," Owen whispered close to her ear, "or I'm going… — Olivia Cunning Copy Share Image
When we were on acid, we would go into the woods, because there was less chance that you would run into an… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
“He runs his eye along the row of knives in their racks, the cleavers for splitting bones. He picks one up, looks… — Hilary Mantel Copy Share Image
Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
To be really great, you need to be naturally funny in order to stand out. But you can work at it, and… — Amy Schumer Copy Share Image
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
“Julian smiled back, his full lips pulled back over white teeth as he rolled the blanket back a little bit. “Is he… — Hazel Blackthorn Copy Share Image
If you have achieved any level of success, then pour it into someone else. Success is not success without a successor. — T. D. Jakes Copy Share Image
If I were a cat, I'd make love with a door mat; if I were a frog, I'd make love with a… — Jean-Paul Malfatti Copy Share Image
Dear Tequila, you were supposed to make me funnier, more self confident, and a better dancer. I saw the video from last… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Next Time someone rings your home phone, test their intelligence by replying with 'Hi, can I call you back I'm driving' — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
That awkward moment when you're taking off your jeans in the changing room, and your underwear decides to come off too. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Here, by the grace of God and an inside straight, we have a personality untouched by the psychotic taboos of our tribe… — Robert Heinlein Copy Share Image
I like those Birthday reminders on Facebook because occasionally they remind me of the friends I need to Delete. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
“Sometimes, when it's going badly, she wonders if what she believes to be a love of the written word is really just… — David Nicholls Copy Share Image
Well, let's just call them, uh, Mr. X and Mrs. Y. So anyway, Mr. X would say, 'Marge, if this doesn't get… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
One of the things I love about Helena Bonham Carter is that she is ravishing, but she does as much as she… — Eileen Atkins Copy Share Image
“Hell if I know. I’m twenty-six, single, just signed a year lease on an apartment…” She touched her eyebrows with her fingertips.… — Nicole Castro Copy Share Image
“The Demon curled its lips back, revealing a double row of needle-sharp teeth. I considered changing my chosen course of action; I… — Robert Lynn Asprin Copy Share Image
I remember straightening my hair because I wanted to be like everybody else, and now the fact that anybody would emulate what… — Taylor Swift Copy Share Image
In 'House of Boys,' I wanted to be in drag. It was amazing to be in the middle of all these drag… — Udo Kier Copy Share Image
It's funny, having the same name as someone. Me, Emma Watson and Emma Stone, the amount of times I've been called Emma… — Emma Roberts Copy Share Image
While I am describing to you how Nature works, you won't understand why Nature works that way. But you see, nobody understands… — Richard P. Feynman Copy Share Image
“We wouldn't eat an important person like you. Sometimes we'll take a sailor, but —" He shrugged. "— so would you if… — Clive Barker Copy Share Image
The funny thing that still cracks me up is when you get a grown man coming up to you shaking asking for… — Samantha Ponder Copy Share Image
Even 'The Inevitability of Death' is kind of a funny song more than anything. I mean, I thought it would be funny… — Gord Downie Copy Share Image
