I was scared by social media - just scared of what I might attract. Once I broke onto that thing, because I… — Juliette Lewis Copy Share Image
I know that there are things that never have been funny, and never will be. And I know that ridicule may be… — Dorothy Parker Copy Share Image
*A nerdy guys phone goes off* Jock: Who was that, your girlfriend? *Everyone laughs* Nerd: Nope. It was yours. *Dead silence* — Anonymous Copy Share Image
It is funny that people always assume you have a bigger part in a movie than you actually do. I remember a… — Bill Hader Copy Share Image
“Dave? This is John." "What are you-" Alive? "-in an ambulance or something?" "Yes and no. Are you still at the police… — David Wong Copy Share Image
I just say what I think is the funniest thing I could say. I'm not trying to make headlines. I'm just trying… — Amy Schumer Copy Share Image
Tips to reduce weight: First turn your head to the right, then turn it to the left. Repeat this every time you… — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
Thank you for the present you brought I am sure that I'll use it a lot. Cause I always need clothes cause… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“You love it right?" Lassiter asked, holding his Bible high. "I mean, you told me to go on the internet. I did.… — J.R. Ward Copy Share Image
It's funny 'cause the Rhea Ripley that everyone sees, I've looked into that personality so many times before, just at home, in… — Rhea Ripley Copy Share Image
I started my own foundation. If you aren't familiar with it, it's called 'Febreezing the homeless.' Who would you rather give money… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
At school: Man I am so tired. Like seriously, as soon as I get home I am going to sleep. *Gets home*… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I grew up a skinny kid with a funny last name and coke bottle glasses, so I experienced my fair share of… — John Hickenlooper Copy Share Image
“In light of all this, we’re now equipped to think about the relationship between laughter and humor. In any given comedic situation,… — Kevin Simler Copy Share Image
The government hates rap. That's why they don't arrest anybody that kills rappers! Only the good ones are dead, man! Only the… — Chris Rock Copy Share Image
I was very moved by shows that combined things that were funny and sad. I remember liking 'Simpsons' episodes in which emotions… — Raphael Bob-Waksberg Copy Share Image
Some people come into our lives and leave footprints on our heart, other people come into our lives and make us want… — Harriet Morgan Copy Share Image
The old - like children - talk to themselves, for they have reached that hopeless wisdom of experience which knows that though… — Eugene O'Neill Copy Share Image
You study to remember If you remember too much you forget If you forget you dont know what you studied If you… — Bubbly Copy Share Image
I met Amy Winehouse a few times and she was always funny, charming and self-deprecating - just a delight to be around. — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
“These boys need women who can take the heat without meltin’ like butter, and sometimes that heat is fiery. They need women… — Kristen Ashley Copy Share Image
“Dylan, while he is in the shower and he and Joss are only seperated by the curtain and his invisibility: Dylan: "Maybe… — Susan Bischoff Copy Share Image
People say everything happens for a reason... well when I punch you in the face remember that happened for a reason! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
People often think that you have a sense of humor because you think that life is funny. Life isn't funny at all.… — Howard Jacobson Copy Share Image
I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn't be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
My milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard and they're like can I have some? I'm like, oh fuck no. What… — Davina Looyen Copy Share Image
What is disturbing-When you come home and find some one broke into your house. What is amusing- When you come home find… — Joshua Roy Copy Share Image
A zero itself is nothing, but without a zero you cannot count anything; therefore, a zero is something, yet zero. — Dalai Lama Copy Share Image
I think I was trying to choose a name for him, and my flatmate was like, 'Oh, you should call him Diana.'… — Emma Corrin Copy Share Image
The whole thing about dating was the scariest thing in the world. And I would tell my friends, 'I'm never going to… — Tina Knowles Copy Share Image
Dog owners are out in all kinds of weather. They tell you it's small payment for the love their dogs bear them.… — Selma Diamond Copy Share Image
“In the dark, Dave reached for Roger's hand as they watched the shadowed lovemaking. "Were we ever that beautiful?" "You still are,"… — S.E. Jakes Copy Share Image
We have funny ideas about how people in mental institutions act. We think of drooling and people going booga-booga and climbing the… — Milos Forman Copy Share Image
“Of course, he said, he who is of a certain nature, is like those who are of a certain nature; he who… — Plato Copy Share Image
I don't know about you, but when they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny, I was like "Bottled… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I take a lot of pride in managing to be funny without having a victim at the end of my joke. I… — Ross Mathews Copy Share Image
There is a whole genre of funny travel writers - that's very popular. There's Bill Bryson and people who follow that route… — John Gimlette Copy Share Image
“First of all, I was running scams when you were at keggers at Kappa Kappa Werewolf. You don’t know much about me… — Lauren Dane Copy Share Image
Sometimes I feel like there are people just waiting for me to fall. The funny thing is, I can't give them anything.… — Jordin Sparks Copy Share Image
I've been in the industry for 15 years, and I knew all the pieces that needed to be included to make a… — Butch Hartman Copy Share Image
