It is amazing how much more amazing sleep is in the morning. You wake up and you're like, "I stayed up to… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“You've got the fountain of youth hidden in your pants." "What the fuck does that even mean?" Hook demanded, then held up… — S.E. Jakes Copy Share Image
Looking for soulmate. Description: Smart, funny, good-looking & loves to battle with lightsaber swords while making sound effects. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
“She wasn’t the only one who was overjoyed. Deacon had launched himself at Aiden—Aiden saintly St. Delphi—nearly knocking him backward, over a… — Jennifer L. Armentrout Copy Share Image
Normally, it's one or the other - a pretty, straight woman or a more charactery woman who isn't supposed to be attractive.… — Becki Newton Copy Share Image
In general, watching children's television is a dark and surreal descent into madness where the characters on the screen talk directly to… — John Green Copy Share Image
The Lazysphere - a working definition - is a group of bloggers who I won't name by name, but you can spot… — Steve Rubel Copy Share Image
The funny thing about history is that we imagine that people didn't laugh in the old days, but of course they did,… — Terry Jones Copy Share Image
5% of all hearing loss is a result of sitting in a restaurant next to a table full of women who just… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
It's very important to know when you're in a pissing match. And it's very important to get out of it as quickly… — Randy Pausch Copy Share Image
“The besom of reform hath swept him out of office, and a worthier successor wears his dignity and pockets his emoluments.” — Nathaniel Hawthorne Copy Share Image
“When you are angry try your best to go to sleep, it keeps you away from speaking, writing and thinking while you… — Amit Kalantri Copy Share Image
I've started looking at my own father a bit funny. He assures me, though, that I really am the son of a… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
There are things that I won't joke about, but it's not because I don't think they're funny or they can't be made… — Brad Williams Copy Share Image
“Riley tried not to hyperventilate or think too closely about the Alien movies and their take on extraterrestrial encounters. When he was… — J. Fally Copy Share Image
My personal trainer told me to listen to my body while working out so I left the gym & went to get… — Green Monk Copy Share Image
Tiger is a funny guy. I want to beat him as badly as anybody else but I respect him. He has been… — Paul Casey Copy Share Image
“You are the night." "I am the night," I repeated. "You are the night." I cocked my head, sending him a questioning… — Molly Harper Copy Share Image
“Do you ride?" She smiled, her fingers lightly sliding around his ear. "Not since I hit that barn" Zach’s hands paused on… — Shelly Laurenston Copy Share Image
It's so funny how social media was just this fun thing, and now it's this monster that consumes so many millennial lives. — Cazzie David Copy Share Image
I'm quite a compulsive person-I only worked this out recently - I'm compulsive, but I'm also very indecisive. I don't know what… — Dylan Moran Copy Share Image
Seriously, the Olympic badminton players were apparently trying to lose on purpose, a big story. But really, think about it, if you… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
I can't decide this Halloween whether to go as a slutty witch, a slutty nurse, a slutty schoolgirl, or just a total… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you're looking in a window. I'll give… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
I'm a stand up comic and I always sit and slouch, and I got my girlfriend pregnant on my sterile uncles pull-out… — Bo Burnham Copy Share Image
“You watch pro ball and those guys spend so much time with their hands on each other's rear ends, you'd think they… — Catherine Gilbert Murdock Copy Share Image
If you think down, you will go down. If you think up, you will go up. You’ll always travel in the direction… — T. D. Jakes Copy Share Image
It's funny how we can remember the lyrics to hundreds of songs, but can't remember anything when we study for a test. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
And at the time, it is funny how you can look at something and say, for example with my shoulder injury, when… — Drew Brees Copy Share Image
I grew up as this very carefree, happy kid then things turnt darker for me. Maybe it was because I saw that… — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
Susan was having a tough day and after returning home she started complaining She said to her husband, Nobody loves me¦.nobody cares… — Babloo Copy Share Image
“True, beneath the human façade, I was an interloper, an alien whose ship had crashed beyond hope of repair in the backwoods… — Sol Luckman Copy Share Image
Gilbert Gottfried, I think, is just the most underappreciated comedian in the world. I think that he doesn't get enough credit for… — Brett Gelman Copy Share Image
My parents are really funny. Laughter was a big part of my childhood. Of course, they tell a lot of bad jokes… — Cecily Strong Copy Share Image
When he proposed he said, "We'll make such beautiful music together," but in this duet, his part seems to be all rests. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
A mad man was seen with his head in a mail box man: excuse me sir..are you all right? What are you… — Dukilicious Copy Share Image
“Xav sprinkled olive oil on his lettuce. 'Lola was very particular that it all had to fit properly.' 'Lola?' squeaked Diamond. I… — Joss Stirling Copy Share Image
Mrs. Campbell once attempted to smuggle her pet Pekingese through customs by tucking him inside the upper part of her cape. "Everything… — Mrs. Patrick Campbell Copy Share Image
When I realised I had a facility for humour, I latched on to it, and it gave me confidence and I built… — Catherine Tate Copy Share Image
As you approach the presidency, no one seems worthy of it, since it wasn't designed for a human in the first place. — Wilfrid Sheed Copy Share Image
