I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend. — Dave Attell Discovery Copy Share Image
Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno! — Dave Attell Bracelet Copy Share Image
I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass. — Dave Attell Ass Copy Share Image
When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me. — Dave Attell Forgiveness Copy Share Image
I feel like soundtrack music is almost like seeing the movie again, but with my ears. — Dave Attell Ears Copy Share Image
So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe. — Dave Attell Beats Copy Share Image
I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for… — Dave Attell Fit Copy Share Image
I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading 'Ta-Da!' magazine; a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's… — Dave Attell Bus Copy Share Image
Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind. — Dave Attell Boys Copy Share Image
Have you seen that magazine Barely Legal? That means when you look at it, you're almost a pedophile. — Dave Attell Looks Copy Share Image
Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man. — Dave Attell Beautiful Copy Share Image
You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had? — Dave Attell Comedy Copy Share Image
Here's a tip: never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will eventually think there's someone right behind you. — Dave Attell Behind you Copy Share Image
My gym has two-pound weights. If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What's your… — Dave Attell Doors Copy Share Image
Next time your lady leaves the room, take a dump on the floor! 'Cuz there is nothing more mysterious than a dump… — Dave Attell Causes Copy Share Image
There's a late-night scene in every town, and everyone has something going on, ... I've heard good stories about (Syracuse); this is… — Dave Attell Checks Copy Share Image
A joke is a joke, and people put too much meaning behind it. They react to it in the wrong way. I… — Dave Attell Behinds Copy Share Image
Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories; kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100; diapering… — Dave Attell Bed Copy Share Image
Friends are important, dontcha think? Hmmm? I think so. The way I see it, you got friends, and you got your best… — Dave Attell Best friend Copy Share Image
You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. "Land mine '69." You see a guy with one arm, he's… — Dave Attell Arms Copy Share Image
Sometimes. I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous. I'm pretty low on the showbiz totem pole - I mean,… — Dave Attell Baby Copy Share Image
For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don't… — Dave Attell Crowds Copy Share Image
Things have been invented because of alcohol. Like the taser, okay? Yeah! The morning after pill, okay? The reach-around. Judge Judy. What… — Dave Attell Alcohol Copy Share Image
This one guy, the worst guy in the music. The Yanni man. You know Yanni? First of all, anyone who looks like… — Dave Attell All night Copy Share Image
Capital punishment, that thing scares me, it really does. I was talking to my friend about the electric chair, and he starts… — Dave Attell Alright Copy Share Image
I'm sorry, was that homophobic? No--I think it was, 'cause I hear that a lot. Dave, What?, You're talking about being gay.… — Dave Attell Ass Copy Share Image
Sometimes it's hard to tell if a joke is working or not for the first couple of minutes. — Dave Attell Comedy Copy Share Image
