If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, "Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus." Time to buy… — Dave Attell Baby Copy Share Image
You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. "Land mine '69." You see a guy with one arm, he's… — Dave Attell Arms Copy Share Image
I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders. — Dave Attell Court Copy Share Image
You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had? — Dave Attell Fun Copy Share Image
I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something. — Dave Attell Funny Copy Share Image
Men are having sex with animals and we wonder why the animals attack us. And I'll tell you why: it's cuz of… — Dave Attell Animal Copy Share Image
Why do they collect garbarge at 5am? Why? It's garbage. It's not going to go bad again. — Dave Attell Garbage Copy Share Image
What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them,… — Dave Attell Chickens Copy Share Image
This one guy, the worst guy in the music. The Yanni man. You know Yanni? First of all, anyone who looks like… — Dave Attell All night Copy Share Image
Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Pre-mature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before. — Dave Attell Ejaculation Copy Share Image
It's a horrible economy but I'm trying to do my part. I just bought a new shower curtain it has all the… — Dave Attell Cry Copy Share Image
I keep getting these people at my shows who only know me from television. I can always tell when they're, like, emotionally… — Dave Attell I can Copy Share Image
Friends are important, dontcha think? Hmmm? I think so. The way I see it, you got friends, and you got your best… — Dave Attell Best friend Copy Share Image
My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I'll tell you ladies: it's… — Dave Attell Baby Copy Share Image
When I first saw a strap on, I put it on my head and ran around like a rhino. — Dave Attell Firsts Copy Share Image
The more Discovery Channel you watch, the less chance you have of ever meeting a woman. Because it fills your head with… — Dave Attell Chance Copy Share Image
I'm not the comic of the generation, I'm not even the funniest guy in my family. — Dave Attell Comic Copy Share Image
If I was to have sex with one animal it would be a horse. That is a beautiful animal. And when you… — Dave Attell Animal Copy Share Image
I hang out with my dad mostly, my dad was in the military. He's at that age now where his war stories… — Dave Attell Age Copy Share Image
Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth. — Dave Attell Crystal meth Copy Share Image
A lot of these kids I think are more content just to be on Facebook and the computer than they are to… — Dave Attell Buddy Copy Share Image
There's a late-night scene in every town, and everyone has something going on, ... I've heard good stories about (Syracuse); this is… — Dave Attell Checks Copy Share Image
