If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, "Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus." Time to buy… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. "Land mine '69." You see a guy with one arm, he's… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something. — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I'll tell you ladies: it's… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
When I first saw a strap on, I put it on my head and ran around like a rhino. — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
The more Discovery Channel you watch, the less chance you have of ever meeting a woman. Because it fills your head with… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
There's a late-night scene in every town, and everyone has something going on, ... I've heard good stories about (Syracuse); this is… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
If I had a kid, I'd give him a name that would make everyone would want to say his name. I'd call… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
I'm sorry, was that homophobic? No--I think it was, 'cause I hear that a lot. Dave, What?, You're talking about being gay.… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind. — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories; kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100; diapering… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend. — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading 'Ta-Da!' magazine; a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
Things have been invented because of alcohol. Like the taser, okay? Yeah! The morning after pill, okay? The reach-around. Judge Judy. What… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe. — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man. — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you're looking in a window. I'll give… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, "Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before." — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, "Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus." Time to buy a Porsche. — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. "Land mine '69." You see a guy with one arm, he's got a… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders. — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had? — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something. — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
Men are having sex with animals and we wonder why the animals attack us. And I'll tell you why: it's cuz of that one… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
Why do they collect garbarge at 5am? Why? It's garbage. It's not going to go bad again. — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
This one guy, the worst guy in the music. The Yanni man. You know Yanni? First of all, anyone who looks like a magician… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Pre-mature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before. — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
It's a horrible economy but I'm trying to do my part. I just bought a new shower curtain it has all the presidents on… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
