You know what wakes me up? A tongue in the ass. There is no alarm clock on that one, you are up,… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
Never drink alone, that's what they say. But you know what? If you drink you will never be alone, alright? — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth. — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
If I was to have sex with one animal it would be a horse. That is a beautiful animal. And when you… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend. — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
The more Discovery Channel you watch, the less chance you have of ever meeting a woman. Because it fills your head with… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
It's a horrible economy but I'm trying to do my part. I just bought a new shower curtain it has all the… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
I hang out with my dad mostly, my dad was in the military. He's at that age now where his war stories… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
This one guy, the worst guy in the music. The Yanni man. You know Yanni? First of all, anyone who looks like… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
I'm sorry, was that homophobic? No--I think it was, 'cause I hear that a lot. Dave, What?, You're talking about being gay.… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
You gotta make your own fun. That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about. — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, "Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus." Time to buy a Porsche. — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. "Land mine '69." You see a guy with one arm, he's got a… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders. — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had? — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something. — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
Men are having sex with animals and we wonder why the animals attack us. And I'll tell you why: it's cuz of that one… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
Why do they collect garbarge at 5am? Why? It's garbage. It's not going to go bad again. — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
This one guy, the worst guy in the music. The Yanni man. You know Yanni? First of all, anyone who looks like a magician… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Pre-mature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before. — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
It's a horrible economy but I'm trying to do my part. I just bought a new shower curtain it has all the presidents on… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
