Baby Quote by Dave Attell

You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. "Land mine '69." You see a guy with one arm, he's got a…

— Dave Attell

I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.

— Dave Attell

You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?

— Dave Attell

I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.

— Dave Attell

Men are having sex with animals and we wonder why the animals attack us. And I'll tell you why: it's cuz of that one…

— Dave Attell

Jesse Joyce is a great writer.

— Dave Attell

Why do they collect garbarge at 5am? Why? It's garbage. It's not going to go bad again.

— Dave Attell

What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a…

— Dave Attell

This one guy, the worst guy in the music. The Yanni man. You know Yanni? First of all, anyone who looks like a magician…

— Dave Attell

Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Pre-mature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before.

— Dave Attell

It's a horrible economy but I'm trying to do my part. I just bought a new shower curtain it has all the presidents on…

— Dave Attell

I never wanted to be famous.

— Dave Attell