Robert Orben

Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?

— Robert Orben

I always wondered why babies spend so much time sucking their thumbs. Then I tasted baby food.

— Robert Orben

I may be forty, but every morning when I get up, I feel like a twenty-year-old. Unfortunately, there's never one around.

— Robert Orben

Do you realize that in the past sixty years, the only foreigners the French have been able to drive out are American…

— Robert Orben

What bothers me about TV is that it tends to take our minds off our minds.

— Robert Orben

For Father's Day, my kids always give me a bottle of cologne called English Leather. It's appropriate! To them I always smell…

— Robert Orben

Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.

— Robert Orben

President Ford used humor a great deal.

— Robert Orben

Nowadays, you cannot be a very Effective political figure without Having a demonstrable sense of humor. People take to it.

— Robert Orben

What if the meek inherited the Earth and we had to defend ourselves from Martians?

— Robert Orben

I'd like to say a few words about one of the most popular concepts in the modern education--show and tell. Show and…

— Robert Orben

My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my…

— Robert Orben

Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.

— Robert Orben

These detective series on TV always end at precisely the right moment-after the criminal is arrested and before the court turns him…

— Robert Orben

The Playboy Calendar this year has some tiptop models. Any more top and they'd tip.

— Robert Orben

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I…

— Robert Orben

Spring is God's way of saying, 'One more time!'

— Robert Orben

I value people with a conscience. It's like a beeper from God.

— Robert Orben

I had a terrible fight with my wife on New Year's Eve. She called me a procrastinator. So I finished addressing the…

— Robert Orben

Very few people ever meet celebrities. All we really know is what we read about them and the most memorable lines are…

— Robert Orben

It always seems to someone outside the business that it is very difficult to write for a comedy show because it must…

— Robert Orben

Successful salesman: someone who has found a cure for the common cold shoulder.

— Robert Orben

Humor is the most honest of emotions. Applause for a speech can be insincere, but with humor, if the audience doesn't like…

— Robert Orben

Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.

— Robert Orben

The true test of humility is whether you can say grace before eating crow.

— Robert Orben