You know what wakes me up? A tongue in the ass. There is no alarm clock on that one, you are up,… — Dave Attell Alarm clock Copy Share Image
For me, Molly Hatchet is high school. It makes me feel like I have hair and a future. — Dave Attell Feels Copy Share Image
Capital punishment, that thing scares me, it really does. I was talking to my friend about the electric chair, and he starts… — Dave Attell Alright Copy Share Image
Sometimes. I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous. I'm pretty low on the showbiz totem pole - I mean,… — Dave Attell Baby Copy Share Image
I have a lot of pot tendencies. I'm always late, I laugh for no reason, I watch Jeopardy! with the sound off… — Dave Attell Jeopardy Copy Share Image
For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don't… — Dave Attell Crowds Copy Share Image
“I found a gray hair on one of my testicles today. No, it wasn't mine, but it's frightening.” — Dave Attell Gray hair Copy Share Image
Sometimes it's hard to tell if a joke is working or not for the first couple of minutes. — Dave Attell Couple Copy Share Image
A joke is a joke, and people put too much meaning behind it. They react to it in the wrong way. I… — Dave Attell Behinds Copy Share Image
If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book. — Dave Attell Book Copy Share Image
My day jobs... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn't really have the confidence to think that I could… — Dave Attell Comedy Copy Share Image
You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it… — Dave Attell Asks Copy Share Image
I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes. — Dave Attell Comics Copy Share Image
I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes. I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like… — Dave Attell Comic Copy Share Image
The voice in my head has a stutter, and that's really annoying. D-D-D-Dave Dave. What? K-K-K-Kill your p-p-p-parents. L-L-L-Loa... Write it down! — Dave Attell Annoying Copy Share Image
Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man. — Dave Attell Beautiful Copy Share Image
I feel like soundtrack music is almost like seeing the movie again, but with my ears. — Dave Attell Ears Copy Share Image
I've never had a surprise birthday party. I've had every other type of surprise. I've had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise… — Dave Attell Birthday Copy Share Image
There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you're looking in a window. I'll give… — Dave Attell Ems Copy Share Image
Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, "Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before." — Dave Attell Ejaculation Copy Share Image
