Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here's mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick… — Dave Attell Fantasy Copy Share Image
Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, "Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before." — Dave Attell Ejaculation Copy Share Image
You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike. — Dave Attell Alike Copy Share Image
Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people he cops. But you know, sometimes, you've just… — Dave Attell Choices Copy Share Image
Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight. — Dave Attell Fight Copy Share Image
I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes. I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like… — Dave Attell Comic Copy Share Image
If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, "Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus." Time to buy… — Dave Attell Baby Copy Share Image
I'm a stand-up comic. Anything else I do besides that is a plus, but stand-up comedy is what I do, it's what… — Dave Attell Comedy Copy Share Image
Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so… — Dave Attell Cuddle Copy Share Image
The voice in my head has a stutter, and that's really annoying. D-D-D-Dave Dave. What? K-K-K-Kill your p-p-p-parents. L-L-L-Loa... Write it down! — Dave Attell Annoying Copy Share Image
My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I'll tell you ladies: it's… — Dave Attell Baby Copy Share Image
Men are having sex with animals and we wonder why the animals attack us. And I'll tell you why: it's cuz of… — Dave Attell Animal Copy Share Image
I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes. — Dave Attell Comedy Copy Share Image
So I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but… — Dave Attell Doggy Copy Share Image
“I found a gray hair on one of my testicles today. No, it wasn't mine, but it's frightening.” — Dave Attell Frightening Copy Share Image
I love Fear Factor, but I think they're running out of fears. It's only a matter of time before they're sitting around… — Dave Attell Factors Copy Share Image
There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you're looking in a window. I'll give… — Dave Attell Ems Copy Share Image
I have a lot of pot tendencies. I'm always late, I laugh for no reason, I watch Jeopardy! with the sound off… — Dave Attell Jeopardy Copy Share Image
You gotta make your own fun. That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about. — Dave Attell Fun Copy Share Image
I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going… — Dave Attell Boring Copy Share Image
