I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for… — Dave Attell Fit Copy Share Image
I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming No, that's… — Dave Attell Apartment Copy Share Image
If I had a kid, I'd give him a name that would make everyone would want to say his name. I'd call… — Dave Attell Causes Copy Share Image
I'm sorry, was that homophobic? No--I think it was, 'cause I hear that a lot. Dave, What?, You're talking about being gay.… — Dave Attell Ass Copy Share Image
Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk… — Dave Attell Capes Copy Share Image
Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so… — Dave Attell Cuddling Copy Share Image
Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind. — Dave Attell Boys Copy Share Image
I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going… — Dave Attell Boring Copy Share Image
Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people he cops. But you know, sometimes, you've just… — Dave Attell Choices Copy Share Image
Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories; kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100; diapering… — Dave Attell Bed Copy Share Image
I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend. — Dave Attell Discovery Copy Share Image
My gym has two-pound weights. If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What's your… — Dave Attell Doors Copy Share Image
I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass. — Dave Attell Ass Copy Share Image
I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading 'Ta-Da!' magazine; a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's… — Dave Attell Bus Copy Share Image
Things have been invented because of alcohol. Like the taser, okay? Yeah! The morning after pill, okay? The reach-around. Judge Judy. What… — Dave Attell Alcohol Copy Share Image
Never drink alone, that's what they say. But you know what? If you drink you will never be alone, alright? — Dave Attell Alright Copy Share Image
So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe. — Dave Attell Beats Copy Share Image
I love Fear Factor, but I think they're running out of fears. It's only a matter of time before they're sitting around… — Dave Attell Factors Copy Share Image
Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight. — Dave Attell Fighting Copy Share Image
“I found a gray hair one of my testicles the today. No, it wasn't mine, but it's frightening.” — Dave Attell Gray hair Copy Share Image
