I don't mind a crowd's not laughing; it's the groans that slow down the show. — Dave Attell Crowds Copy Share Image
When I first saw a strap on, I put it on my head and ran around like a rhino. — Dave Attell Firsts Copy Share Image
I don't think I'm a star or a celebrity or any thing like that. — Dave Attell Astronomy Copy Share Image
I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something. — Dave Attell Doing Copy Share Image
For me, Molly Hatchet is high school. It makes me feel like I have hair and a future. — Dave Attell Feels Copy Share Image
What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them,… — Dave Attell Chicken Copy Share Image
I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials. I'm not an actor though, so I don't really have much… — Dave Attell Actors Copy Share Image
Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk… — Dave Attell Capes Copy Share Image
I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming No, that's… — Dave Attell Apartment Copy Share Image
If I had a kid, I'd give him a name that would make everyone would want to say his name. I'd call… — Dave Attell Causes Copy Share Image
I tell you one thing that's great about children. They don't need a show to have fun. What do they need? A… — Dave Attell Book Copy Share Image
I went skiing today, too, yeah. I didn't wanna go. The girl I'm stalking wanted to go, so... I'm not kiddin! — Dave Attell Girl Copy Share Image
Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth. — Dave Attell Crystal meth Copy Share Image
I hang out with my dad mostly, my dad was in the military. He's at that age now where his war stories… — Dave Attell Age Copy Share Image
You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you… — Dave Attell Bail Copy Share Image
A lot of these kids I think are more content just to be on Facebook and the computer than they are to… — Dave Attell Buddy Copy Share Image
It's a horrible economy but I'm trying to do my part. I just bought a new shower curtain it has all the… — Dave Attell Cry Copy Share Image
The more Discovery Channel you watch, the less chance you have of ever meeting a woman. Because it fills your head with… — Dave Attell Chance Copy Share Image
I'm not the comic of the generation, I'm not even the funniest guy in my family. — Dave Attell Comic Copy Share Image
Doesn't matter what you say or do; people can always find a way to call you a dick. — Dave Attell Always Copy Share Image
Why do they collect garbarge at 5am? Why? It's garbage. It's not going to go bad again. — Dave Attell Garbage Copy Share Image
I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders. — Dave Attell Court Copy Share Image
Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? 'Damn I got to get the hell… — Dave Attell Damn Copy Share Image
My day jobs... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn't really have the confidence to think that I could… — Dave Attell Comedy Copy Share Image
“I found a gray hair one of my testicles the today. No, it wasn't mine, but it's frightening.” — Dave Attell Frightening Copy Share Image
If I was to have sex with one animal it would be a horse. That is a beautiful animal. And when you… — Dave Attell Animal Copy Share Image
I keep getting these people at my shows who only know me from television. I can always tell when they're, like, emotionally… — Dave Attell I can Copy Share Image
You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it… — Dave Attell Asks Copy Share Image
Even now, as we speak, people are having sex with animals. And we wonder why the animals attack us. — Dave Attell Animal Copy Share Image
Never drink alone, that's what they say. But you know what? If you drink you will never be alone, alright? — Dave Attell Alright Copy Share Image
I've never had a surprise birthday party. I've had every other type of surprise. I've had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise… — Dave Attell Birthday Copy Share Image
If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book. — Dave Attell Book Copy Share Image
You know what wakes me up? A tongue in the ass. There is no alarm clock on that one, you are up,… — Dave Attell Alarm Copy Share Image
Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Pre-mature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before. — Dave Attell Ejaculation Copy Share Image
I'm very romantic when I masturbate. Sometimes I light a candle...then I try and shoot it out. It's like a carnival. — Dave Attell Candle Copy Share Image
