Phyllis Diller

My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.

— Phyllis Diller

I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me…

— Phyllis Diller

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

— Phyllis Diller

I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... and reduce the crime rate.

— Phyllis Diller

I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

— Phyllis Diller

By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.

— Phyllis Diller

For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.

— Phyllis Diller

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.

— Phyllis Diller

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

— Phyllis Diller

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

— Phyllis Diller

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

— Phyllis Diller

“A smile is a curve that sets things right.”

— Phyllis Diller

Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.

— Phyllis Diller

Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling.

— Phyllis Diller

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.

— Phyllis Diller

I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.

— Phyllis Diller

Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.

— Phyllis Diller

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.

— Phyllis Diller

If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.

— Phyllis Diller

I met my husband when a friend sent him over to my house to cure my hiccoughs.

— Phyllis Diller

When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I…

— Phyllis Diller

“Housework won't kill you, but then again, why take the chance?”

— Phyllis Diller

I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, "You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed."

— Phyllis Diller

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this?…

— Phyllis Diller

This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did…

— Phyllis Diller