Children Quotes by Phyllis Diller

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.

— Phyllis Diller

“We spend the first twelve months of our children's' lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling…

— Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

— Phyllis Diller

You want to look younger... rent smaller children.

— Phyllis Diller

“We spend the first 12 months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next 12 months telling…

— Phyllis Diller

We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .

— Phyllis Diller

Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.

— Phyllis Diller

The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.

— Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

— Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

— Phyllis Diller

We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop…

— Phyllis Diller

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to…

— Phyllis Diller

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

— Phyllis Diller

“We spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 months teaching…

— Phyllis Diller

One [expert] said, 'Always have a baby sitter who is acquainted with your children.' If they were acquainted with my children, they…

— Phyllis Diller

... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.

— Phyllis Diller

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

— Phyllis Diller

“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”

— Phyllis Diller

The reason I'm not an alcoholic is I don't like to drink in front of the kids . . . and when…

— Phyllis Diller