Inspirational Quotes by Phyllis Diller

You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!

— Phyllis Diller

I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.

— Phyllis Diller

You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.

— Phyllis Diller

I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.

— Phyllis Diller

For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.

— Phyllis Diller

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

— Phyllis Diller

The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.

— Phyllis Diller

I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.

— Phyllis Diller

I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.

— Phyllis Diller

Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.

— Phyllis Diller

I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... and reduce the crime rate.

— Phyllis Diller

Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.

— Phyllis Diller

I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.

— Phyllis Diller

I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.

— Phyllis Diller

My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.

— Phyllis Diller

Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.

— Phyllis Diller

Tennis is like marrying for money. Love has nothing to do with it.

— Phyllis Diller

It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.

— Phyllis Diller

They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!

— Phyllis Diller

Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.

— Phyllis Diller

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

— Phyllis Diller

Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss; we touch gloves.

— Phyllis Diller

Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!

— Phyllis Diller

He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.

— Phyllis Diller

I never made 'Who's Who,' but I'm featured in 'What's That?'

— Phyllis Diller

The only parts left of my original body are my elbows.

— Phyllis Diller

This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.

— Phyllis Diller

When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.

— Phyllis Diller

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

— Phyllis Diller

It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three…

— Phyllis Diller

Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time…

— Phyllis Diller

You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.

— Phyllis Diller

Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.

— Phyllis Diller

There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.

— Phyllis Diller

It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.

— Phyllis Diller