When he proposed he said, "We'll make such beautiful music together," but in this duet, his part seems to be all rests. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, "You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed." — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.' — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have! — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
One [expert] said, 'Always have a baby sitter who is acquainted with your children.' If they were acquainted with my children, they… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Just the other day I said to Fang, "Don't you think we've got a storybook romance?" and he said, "Yes, and every… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... and reduce the crime rate. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
![“One [expert] said, 'Always have a baby sitter who is acquainted with your children.' If they were acquainted with my children, they wouldn't sit!” quote by Phyllis Diller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/3c7/phyllis-diller-1622_baby_one-expert-said-always-have-a-baby-sitte_2690198.jpg)
