If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell,… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I don’t want to sound like I’m on dope, but that hour is a high; it’s as good as you can feel.… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... and reduce the crime rate. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
