Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they're early, so naturally you're not ready. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Everybody knows how much time Fang spends in bed. A local store that gives a 30 days' trial on mattresses gives Fang… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell,… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... and reduce the crime rate. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
