I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Everybody knows how much time Fang spends in bed. A local store that gives a 30 days' trial on mattresses gives Fang… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... and reduce the crime rate. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
![“[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.” quote by Phyllis Diller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/980/phyllis-diller-1622_age_on-plastic-surgery-when-i-die-god-won-t_2492123.jpg)
