My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I'd love to slit my mother-in-law's corsets and watch her spread to death. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
All I ever learned at my mother's knee was what a bony knee looked like. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Mothers-in-law do not make good house pets. Once I had the most wonderful dream -- I dreamed that mothers-in-law cost money and… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
My mother-in-law buys her coats in a carper shop. She wears a 9x12. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... and reduce the crime rate. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
