My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I met my husband when a friend sent him over to my house to cure my hiccoughs. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap? — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn't keep him awake - even when it's hot and being spilled on him. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, "A teaspoon before going to bed," and in one day he… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... and reduce the crime rate. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
