This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'? — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
There isn't any (afterlife), you dingbat! This is it, baby! Enjoy, carefully! Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started.… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... and reduce the crime rate. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
