If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didn't do this I sent the kids off… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . . — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
The reason I'm not an alcoholic is I don't like to drink in front of the kids . . . and when… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... and reduce the crime rate. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
