I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, "You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed." — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Everybody knows how much time Fang spends in bed. A local store that gives a 30 days' trial on mattresses gives Fang… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
When I go to bed at night, I've got so much grease on my body I wear snow chains to hold up… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book; or a friend who's #read one. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Once Fang took pep pills and they worked - the only time he ever ran to bed. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, "A teaspoon before going to bed," and in one day he… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... and reduce the crime rate. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
