Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Have you ever known anyone who bought a fruitcake for himself? Of course not. They are purchased as Christmas gifts, mostly for… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
A friend told me the longer you keep Romano cheese, the better it gets. So, I kept it three years. And this… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... and reduce the crime rate. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
