... if I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell,… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this?… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
On the way to the delivery room, I almost changed my mind about having a baby. I wouldn't have found it so… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn't keep him awake - even when it's hot and being spilled on him. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, "A teaspoon before going to bed," and in one day he… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
One [expert] said, 'Always have a baby sitter who is acquainted with your children.' If they were acquainted with my children, they… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... and reduce the crime rate. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
![“[When to have a facelift:] If you're tripping over your neck.” quote by Phyllis Diller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/2bf/phyllis-diller-1622_facelifts_when-to-have-a-facelift-if-you-re-trippi_1029165.jpg)
![“... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.” quote by Phyllis Diller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/246/phyllis-diller-1622_children_if-they-your-children-write-their-names_2694747.jpg)
![“One [expert] said, 'Always have a baby sitter who is acquainted with your children.' If they were acquainted with my children, they wouldn't sit!” quote by Phyllis Diller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/3c7/phyllis-diller-1622_baby_one-expert-said-always-have-a-baby-sitte_2690198.jpg)
