Everybody knows how much time Fang spends in bed. A local store that gives a 30 days' trial on mattresses gives Fang… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, "You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed." — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . . — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell,… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Once Fang took pep pills and they worked - the only time he ever ran to bed. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
When he proposed he said, "We'll make such beautiful music together," but in this duet, his part seems to be all rests. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
The reason I'm not an alcoholic is I don't like to drink in front of the kids . . . and when… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn't keep him awake - even when it's hot and being spilled on him. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, "A teaspoon before going to bed," and in one day he… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... and reduce the crime rate. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
