Funny Quotes by Phyllis Diller

Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.

— Phyllis Diller

When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I…

— Phyllis Diller

I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, "You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed."

— Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

— Phyllis Diller

You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.

— Phyllis Diller

You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!

— Phyllis Diller

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

— Phyllis Diller

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

— Phyllis Diller

I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.

— Phyllis Diller

We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .

— Phyllis Diller

Everybody knows how much time Fang spends in bed. A local store that gives a 30 days' trial on mattresses gives Fang…

— Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

— Phyllis Diller

When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell,…

— Phyllis Diller

I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.

— Phyllis Diller

We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop…

— Phyllis Diller

When he proposed he said, "We'll make such beautiful music together," but in this duet, his part seems to be all rests.

— Phyllis Diller

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

— Phyllis Diller

Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn't keep him awake - even when it's hot and being spilled on him.

— Phyllis Diller

Once Fang took pep pills and they worked - the only time he ever ran to bed.

— Phyllis Diller

Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that…

— Phyllis Diller

Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he…

— Phyllis Diller

Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, "A teaspoon before going to bed," and in one day he…

— Phyllis Diller

I never made `Who's Who,' but I'm featured in `What's That?'

— Phyllis Diller

Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.

— Phyllis Diller

Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.

— Phyllis Diller