Everything's funny - in the right context and done by the right person. — Chris Rock Copy Share Image
If a kid calls his grandma "Mommy" and his mama "Pam", he's going to jail! — Chris Rock Copy Share Image
I was at Michael Jackson's house, and this kid runs out, 'Wait, save me!' — Chris Rock Copy Share Image
White man makes guns? No problem. Black rapper says "gun"? Congressional hearing. — Chris Rock Copy Share Image
Community college is like a disco with books: "Here's ten dollars; let me get my learn on!" — Chris Rock Copy Share Image
You won’t be able to take your eyes off the next four presenters: Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz. — Chris Rock Copy Share Image
Karaoke isn't fair when you're a comedian. The whole idea is to get people laughing and enjoying themselves, and I'm a professional… — Chris Rock Copy Share Image
Do you know what the good side of crack is? If you're up at the right hour, you can get a VCR… — Chris Rock Copy Share Image
Jude Law is in so many movies, that I went to one, and when I walked out they were showing another on… — Chris Rock Copy Share Image
Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies... a man's lie is, "I'm at Tony house, I was at Kenny house!"… — Chris Rock Copy Share Image
If you wanna get away with murder, all you gotta do is shoot somebody in the head and put a demo tape… — Chris Rock Copy Share Image
Never go to clubs with metal detectors. Sure it feels safe inside. But what about all those niggas waiting outside with guns?… — Chris Rock Copy Share Image
Are we so desperate for entertainment that we will fall for a Trickless magician?? Saw a woman in half. Pull a rabbit… — Chris Rock Copy Share Image
The government hates rap. That's why they don't arrest anybody that kills rappers! Only the good ones are dead, man! Only the… — Chris Rock Copy Share Image
Whoever you hate will end up in your family. You don't like gays? You're gonna have a gay son. You don't like… — Chris Rock Copy Share Image
Daddy pays for the water, daddy pays for the gas, daddy pays for the electricity, and if daddy didn't pay for the… — Chris Rock Copy Share Image
Actually, I think all addiction starts with soda. Every junkie did soda first. But no one counts that. Maybe they should. The… — Chris Rock Copy Share Image
I just thought everybody lived around abandoned buildings and crack-heads, ... I lived in the ghetto until I was like 19. I… — Chris Rock Copy Share Image
The thing I try to get across to the writers - and I do a lot of writing, too - is that… — Chris Rock Copy Share Image
Farrakhan got everybody together for the Million Man March and everything. But Farrakhan don't like the Jews. Which is bugged. I get… — Chris Rock Copy Share Image
They're working their way down. Next year, Todd Bridges gets the award. When I was a kid I wanted to be Eddie… — Chris Rock Copy Share Image
Remember when we was young, everybody used to have these arguments about who's better, Michael Jackson or Prince? Prince won! — Chris Rock Copy Share Image
I ain't shootin' nobody. So call me a faggot! When the war's over, I'll be the faggot with two legs, thank you! — Chris Rock Copy Share Image
Shaq is rich. The white man who signs his check... is wealthy. "Ah, here you go, Shaq. Go buy yourself a bouncing… — Chris Rock Copy Share Image
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game. — Chris Rock Copy Share Image
Funny is only something that others know about you - you can't be funny by yourself. — Chris Rock Copy Share Image
Not a Harvard-type education, just a not-sticking-up-a-liquor-store-type education. — Chris Rock Copy Share Image
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments. — Chris Rock Copy Share Image
It's hard for a man to turn down sex... if they chase us, we can't run that fast. — Chris Rock Copy Share Image
My mother is the kind of woman you don't want to be in line behind at the supermarket. She has coupons for… — Chris Rock Copy Share Image
And even if you get shot by a stray bullet, you don't gotta go to no doctor to get it taken out,… — Chris Rock Copy Share Image
You'd got a baseball game, or a football game, basketball game, "USA! USA! USA!" Hey, calm down! Got a little German on… — Chris Rock Copy Share Image
Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them. — Chris Rock Copy Share Image
If you live with a single parent, you don't see compromise. You witness a grown person living in a world where they do what… — Chris Rock Copy Share Image
Nobody ever says, 'Hey daddy, thanks for knockin' out this rent.' 'Hey daddy, I sure love this hot water.' 'Hey daddy, it's easy to… — Chris Rock Copy Share Image
You know the world is messed up when the tallest man in the NBA is Chinese, the best golfer is black, and the best… — Chris Rock Copy Share Image
You can't think the thoughts you want to think if you think you're being watched. — Chris Rock Copy Share Image
There's not one reference in that thing that doesn't play. People deal with emotions in music all the time, but comedians are always talking… — Chris Rock Copy Share Image
My mother got sick when I was rich. And my mother, you know … I don’t really want to get into it, but my… — Chris Rock Copy Share Image
Here's the thing. When we talk about race relations in America or racial progress, it's all nonsense. There are no race relations. White people… — Chris Rock Copy Share Image
I was raised to believe that you had to do things better than white people in order to succeed. The old black shows were… — Chris Rock Copy Share Image
