“My name is Dawn. It’s not a female name. I am Sunset’s brother.” — Jarod Kintz Brotherhood Copy Share Image
“If you try a joke a second time and nobody laughs, don’t tell a different joke—tell different people.” — Jarod Kintz Different people Copy Share Image
“I keep a large map of the world hanging above my bed. Everybody wants to own land, but I want to own… — Jarod Kintz Ocean Copy Share Image
“A clone would make a great birthday gift, because it’s the only gift that keeps on giving. At least it’d better give… — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“I’ve decided to cut back on my sugar intake by applying it externally, as a dermal abrasion.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“His name is Arnold. But you’re not on a first name basis with him, and that’s not his first name. So that’s… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to catch a hippopotamus. But you try it out first, and let me know if it works. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
If our destiny stems from our name, then I weep for the flower named Wilt. — Jarod Kintz Flower Copy Share Image
“Today I found yet more evidence that I’m a lunatic. The proof came in a package in the mail. The sender? Myself.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wrote this because someone put a gun to my head and said, “Write.” And do you know how long it takes… — Jarod Kintz Writing Copy Share Image
“I don’t need to actually make my product safer. All I need to do to make it safe is put a warning… — Jarod Kintz Warning Label Copy Share Image
“I just invented a new light that shuts off automatically when an ugly person walks in the room. Guaranteed to help them… — Jarod Kintz Darkness Copy Share Image
“I love teamwork. I love the idea of everyone rallying together to help me win.” — Jarod Kintz Teamwork Copy Share Image
“The legend of Sam, the homosexual hermaphrodite. (The impossibility is half possible!)” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In complete silence you can’t hear a thing. Just ask a deaf person—but ask them with your fingers.” — Jarod Kintz Silence Copy Share Image
“If I were alone with my clone, and we were enjoying each others' solitude, I'd have finally have met a man with… — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“A book is a vacation for the mind. My books will take you inside my mind, so feel free to make yourself… — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“I have a beard of fog that I wear on misty mornings. It’s not cigarette smoke, but I’d understand if you wanted… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Is the only reason you get out of bed because you can’t sleep anymore? I’m like that sometimes.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A uniform is like a paint job on a person. I like women who drive cars that are painted like Catholic school… — Jarod Kintz School girl Copy Share Image
“-Hey, neighbor, is your wife free for a date today? -No, I’m taking her out this afternoon? -Great! Then you won’t mind… — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“The headline read, Man Saves Child From Burning House, and I just have to ask: Why did that kid want to burn… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“Water is nearly invisible. So is my love. Drink it in, but don’t choke on it.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Dear Mr. Peacock, I miss your plumage, and I’m flummoxed by your plummeting desire to be desired. You’re like an albino in… — Jarod Kintz Dwell on the past Copy Share Image
“The institution asked me to speak and say a few words. So, knowing a few is three, I said, I love you.” — Jarod Kintz Language Copy Share Image
“At the beginning of their return trip home, fishermen might label their fish with a simple fish line drawing. But once that… — Jarod Kintz Smiley face Copy Share Image
“There’s truth and honor in a mustache. And that’s why I started flying one on the flagpole outside of my house.” — Jarod Kintz Truth Copy Share Image
“A mafia don could snap his fingers and somebody would snap my neck. But when I snap my fingers, people start dancing.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wanted to say Thank You in sign language, but instead I sneezed and ended up shooting out an I love you.… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“My next breath may very well be in your lungs. Store it wisely, because my life depends on it. ” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“I speak the language of love. That’s right, I speak Russian.” — Jarod Kintz Language of love Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to soften resistance. Smash the opposition into a pulp! ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The government should either force the population to get healthy, or tax them for not complying. If the people still refuse to… — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“I’m nothing. I’m just a humble man in a bumblebee costume trying to pollinate with a woman as romantic as a flower.… — Jarod Kintz Flower love Copy Share Image
“When my internal voice goes external, and I’m in a noisy crowd, I can hardly hear myself think.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
