“A brick could be a politician, if you attached strings, taught it to dance, and allowed it to read a teleprompter. Remember:… — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“Every time I see a train, I think of robbing it. Like a Wild West cowboy, I’m out to steal and collect… — Jarod Kintz Fitness Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to improve the quality of your trumpet playing. Wrap the blanket tightly around and in the horn… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I consider seeing my 30th birthday an accomplishment. You know, not many midgets live to be this tall.” — Jarod Kintz Success Copy Share Image
“I don’t break wind—I repair it. I am the anti politician, because when one speaks, he farts through his mouth, and the… — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“I am possibly the world's greatest magician, because I don't just vanish off stage, I vanish from your memory. I'll bet you're… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. We were playing table tennis, which angered my family because they were trying to enjoy their… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“I moved my hand in and out of the shadow and pondered life and death. Then I put on my lipstick, pulled… — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“I don’t shower because water is the most corrosive element. Ever seen what it does to rock? I want a chiseled body,… — Jarod Kintz Grand canyon Copy Share Image
“If I had a street named after me, it would really put me on the map.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Congress needs to act now. Seriously, leave Washington DC, move to Hollywood, and leave the rest of the country alone.” — Jarod Kintz Washington dc Copy Share Image
“Yes, fruits and vegetables are healthy. But you want to know why I eat them? Revenge.” — Jarod Kintz Fruits and vegetables Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to stop a train. But I’ve got a better way to stop a speeding train. Stand firmly… — Jarod Kintz Better way Copy Share Image
“In this moment I’m reminded of Thor tutoring me math in the second grade. Thor was a math major in college, and… — Jarod Kintz Mathematics Copy Share Image
“Funerals, Coffins, and Death. It’s not just a way of life; it’s also for breakfast. Yes, that is the new cereal I’m… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“Art is like a kite with an airplane propeller, OK? Artists are like people who have scuba tanks for lungs, OK? And… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“I'm asexual, though occasionally I'm attracted to inanimate objects. Mainly tube-shaped objects.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used as a trap to ensnare two entangled lovers. Using this method is how I found my current… — Jarod Kintz Friendship Copy Share Image
“I’m only 33% patriotic, because I don’t bleed red, white, and blue. I only bleed red. But I pee white and my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. You were Ginger Rogers, and you were trying to teach me to dance, even though my… — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as Bigfoot. You know, as something the people can really believe in. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I speak Spanish like I chew spinach—like it’s dried bubble gum stuck underneath a park bench.” — Jarod Kintz Bubble gum Copy Share Image
“Instead of hatching a plan, why not break it open prematurely and use it to make an omelet? It’s just food for… — Jarod Kintz Food for thought Copy Share Image
“Yes, he was Chinese, but Chew wasn't only his last name, it was also his first. And I found this strange considering… — Jarod Kintz Fitness Copy Share Image
“There are two apples, one is green and the other is red. Which apple would the wise man choose? The answer is:… — Jarod Kintz Wisdom Copy Share Image
“This book is destined to make waves no matter which ocean you throw it into. This is the first book Jarod's put… — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“A blanket that has arms to hold you when you are sad, now that's what I call a comforter.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Conventional wisdom holds that water is liquid at room temperature. Well, not if that room’s temperature is 32 degrees. That also happens… — Jarod Kintz Conventional wisdom Copy Share Image
“(Picture of a pirate standing on a treasure chest) It's not about the chest, it's all about the booty.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“They call alcohol spirits, because it’s the spirit turned liquid. Would you drink my soul if you knew I’d use it to… — Jarod Kintz Religion Copy Share Image
“What if a statue of me walked past my clone frozen in thought? Which one of the two would make a better… — Jarod Kintz Geno Smith Copy Share Image
“She’s not showing any interest in me and she looks like she doesn’t want to be here. Should I take off her… — Jarod Kintz Fall in love Copy Share Image
“When I see a rainbow, I think of God’s promise and how He’s keeping it. Then I remember the promise I made… — Jarod Kintz Rainbows Copy Share Image
“I’ll give you a glass of wine, if you give me a few drops of water from your eyes. I’m thirsty for… — Jarod Kintz Sadness Copy Share Image
“John Wilkinson invented the horizontal boring machine, and what a boring machine it was! In fact, it’s so boring that I think… — Jarod Kintz Computers Copy Share Image
“I blended into the kitchen like a blender, but I made so much noise that I nearly woke up the strawberries and… — Jarod Kintz Ice cube Copy Share Image
“I’m so constipated that every time I go to shit, the only thing that comes out is political rhetoric.” — Jarod Kintz Political rhetoric Copy Share Image
“I killed a flea this morning. I may have been a bit overzealous, because I accidentally killed the cat too.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
