“If love were orange, like an apple, there’d be nothing to compare it to.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I was seen spotted with an older woman and a girl half my height in age. A leopard was also spotted. ” — Jarod Kintz Older woman Copy Share Image
“I have no auditory depth perception. She said, “I love you,” and I couldn’t even tell if she was 300 miles away,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used like ice cream. But hold up, hold up. Let me put a bowl under it before you… — Jarod Kintz Ice cream Copy Share Image
“My new employer made me get a drug test, so I ripped off my shirt, flexed my muscles, and said, “You suspect… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be laid on a blanket, so the blanket doesn’t blow away. But why would the blanket blow away? I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“As our bodies are mostly made of water, I’d rather be hungry than thirsty. And as love is mostly made up of… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I don’t want to ever see her again, because I want to always remember her as she was—young and beautiful. She won't… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When somebody tells me they’ve had a bad day, I always respond in a somber voice, “Yes, I’ve had one of those… — Jarod Kintz Bad day Copy Share Image
“I could tell she was into discipline by her collection of whips and chains.” — Jarod Kintz Discipline Copy Share Image
“If you ask me to describe what I look like, I’ll simply say, “I look like my clone.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I managed to beat Michael Phelps’ 400 meter IM time. And not only did I beat his time, but I did it… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“What is man’s shared IQ? And more important, how thick should my body armor be to protect myself against it?” — Jarod Kintz Protect Myself Copy Share Image
“If I were a paper pusher for a living, I’d be pissed if my coworkers moved my desk into the wind tunnel.… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“Feel free to become a slave to your own clone. And mine. Remember, you can never have too many lovers who look… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t want to see a group of people get killed. Particularly if those people are all my clones.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Being in the womb was like taking a nine-month bath. I wanted to take a shower, but no matter how hard I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I thought I was eating a candy bar, but it turned out to be a yummy burrito. I was both disappointed and… — Jarod Kintz Candy bar Copy Share Image
“I lay warm in bed like a melted marshmallow in a graham cracker. I really wish my blanket wasn’t so rigid and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“War is fought over futile and feudal things. War is not about ideology, no matter how artfully framed, but it’s simply about… — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“How many birthdays can you fit in your lifetime? If you answered "All of them," you should have your genitals ripped out… — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“Cats like to cuddle more than any other living creature, including zombies, which are only half dead.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The pinnacle of every conversation is coming to the point.” — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“In my dream I woke up to realize I was tired and needed to go to sleep. Then I slowly remembered that… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“I train for the winning moments, hoping all those seconds off the clock will lead to firsts. I train for seconds, that’s… — Jarod Kintz Success Copy Share Image
“I drink coffee like other men play basketball. I drink like a woman, and that’s why I use a slightly smaller ball.” — Jarod Kintz Basketball Copy Share Image
“I could inject a brick in each of my butt cheeks and then be like ancient Greece: a ruin. Only, I’d ask… — Jarod Kintz Ancient greece Copy Share Image
“Our relationship is like ten turtles marching along, followed by seven beetles, with each carrying one monosyllabic word on its back. You… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“When I go to a restaurant and they say, “How many in your party?” and I say, “One,” I feel sad because… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A pastor, a politician, and a brick walk into a bar, and the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve rigid nonthinkers here.”… — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“When I burp I’m not just pushing polluted air into the world—no, I’m espousing my belief on the true nature of politicians.” — Jarod Kintz Faith Copy Share Image
“If love came in a cardboard tube, I’d probably send it priority mail. But I’d make you pay for shipping.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“After a long day of screaming at the trees, I smell like a skyscraper. Would you care to ride on my elevator… — Jarod Kintz Long day Copy Share Image
“If you own the most profitable manure distribution warehouse in the world, you might not like the smell of success.” — Jarod Kintz Success Copy Share Image
“Do you even listen to what I say? Would you be able to listen better if you were wearing a football helmet… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wrote something for my local newspaper, but nobody read it because it got buried in the obituary section.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A woman I had sex with is carrying my child, because God has made it so that my hands are full. They’re… — Jarod Kintz Children Copy Share Image
“I just peed in the sink. Why? Because there was already somebody in the bathtub.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My armpits smell like a baboon belch, which doesn’t make me want to shower, as you’d imagine, but rather it makes me… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Governments are too stupid to understand that too much red tape does not bind a nation together—it tears it apart.” — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
