“Today is the one that introduces Yesterday to Tomorrow. If it weren't for Today, Nostalgia would never meet Hope.” — Jarod Kintz Hope Copy Share Image
“My skull is soundproof. And thank God too, or else you’d be able to hear all the horrible things I’m thinking about… — Jarod Kintz Thank god Copy Share Image
“I told her she should come back to my place because it’d just won sixth place in the Living Room Olympics, and… — Jarod Kintz Living room Copy Share Image
“Bricks could be used to replace stop signs. Some people won’t stop at stop signs, but everybody will stop for a brick… — Jarod Kintz Brick wall Copy Share Image
“I’d kill for any one of my friends. Thankfully for the overpopulated prison system, I don’t have any friends.” — Jarod Kintz Friends Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to manipulate people into doing what you want. If anything could offer one man an unfair advantage… — Jarod Kintz Unfair advantage Copy Share Image
“I think someone should invent an edible remote control, to go along with TV dinners.” — Jarod Kintz Remote control Copy Share Image
“The two lovers were inseparable. Well, I guess death could split them up. So could Ryan Gosling, because she has a thing… — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to revive the spiritual movement in America. But are we as a people willing to accept the… — Jarod Kintz Religion Copy Share Image
“I have extremely great aim when it comes to peeing. I can, for instance, manage to not splash a single drop on… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I’m having sex during an earthquake, would I get a refund on all those quarters I just put in the vibrating… — Jarod Kintz Having sex Copy Share Image
“I held open the door for the man who held up the bank. It was the least I could do to say… — Jarod Kintz Gratitude Copy Share Image
“I’m working hard to edit my book, so I can get it up for sale so that nobody can rush out and… — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“My father went AWOL the day I got dishonorably discharged from his penis. ” — Jarod Kintz Parenting Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as toilet paper—especially if you just shit a brick. You could shit and wipe your way to… — Jarod Kintz Cybersecurity Copy Share Image
“After learning the foreign language Gibberish, I became a dream spokesman.” — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“My love is like a crumbly cookie. It’s very hard to give all of it to just one person. Try as I… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Rollie Fingers called. He wants his fingers back. And his mustache. Too bad I sold them to 1969 to buy some free… — Jarod Kintz Free love Copy Share Image
“I want to write a book called, "Bonfires and Bras," which follows around a young, braless feminist who struggles to adopt in… — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a flotation device, if you’re Michael Phelps and don’t need it. ” — Jarod Kintz Michael Phelps Copy Share Image
“Coupons are easy to counterfeit, so why not make a bunch of one dollar off coupons and sell each one for 50… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I know the secret number of the universe. It’s one, for the individual in search of the secret number. But the secret… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“With my big 80s hair, my cut off jean shorts, and my roller skates, I’m going to look sexy on my way… — Jarod Kintz Winter Copy Share Image
“I punched him 14 times in the face, and he didn’t even try to hit me back. He wasn’t a pacifist, but… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“What makes you think of me? Don’t say nothing. The answer is I make you think of me. And I’ll make you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The cause isn’t worth getting up for, but it is worth sleeping for. Just trying to do my part to help humanity.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll make a soup out of sound, and I’ll call it “Decibels.” You can get a cup or a bowl, a small… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The girl I am in love with told me she’s moving on. Should I cry, or go to Jax beach and party?… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I would offer to meet up for some coffee, but I don’t drink coffee. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to burden you… — Jarod Kintz Personal problems Copy Share Image
“If girlfriends were knees, I'd love to have both of mine replaced. That way, it'd be easier to run around on them.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Pineapple juice doesn’t come in a can—it comes in a hard, spiky shell called a pineapple. Pineapples are great and all, but… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“People always ask me if I’m into sports, and I say, “Well, isn’t writing a sport? If you’re doing it right, and… — Jarod Kintz Sports Copy Share Image
“Criminals should be hung like championship banners—proudly, and in an effort to sell tickets.” — Jarod Kintz Crime Copy Share Image
“Thor pushes the empty wheelbarrow by me and I decide to say something. “Wheelbarrows are great, huh? They make even the lightest… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A car crash could be considered art, and I’d like to install one in a museum. Helmets would be sold at the… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“The one benefit of Alzheimer’s is that you can keep giving them the same gift over and over, and it’s always such… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
