“I would never date Austin. Not that it’s gay, but it’s simply too densely populated for a relationship.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want a trophy that has atrophy—where the maquette on top isn’t sculpted metal, but rather a flaccid sack of jelly that… — Jarod Kintz Psychology Copy Share Image
“Dear Natalie, In a recent study conducted by jarodkintz.com, nine out of ten people were more likely to say yes when the… — Jarod Kintz Education Copy Share Image
“My penis isn’t big. It just appeared that way because the midget’s hands were so small.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am Mr. Needleneeds, and I’m looking for a haystack. It’s easier to find than love.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“If I were a professor, I’d bring my cat to class. I’d be silent until it meowed, and as soon as it… — Jarod Kintz Teachers Copy Share Image
“I’m never lonelier than when I’m in a crowded room, talking to nobody, awkward and isolated, trying to decide how to stand… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Wheelchairs won’t kill you. And cigarettes won’t paralyze you. Stick a wheelchair in your mouth and smoke it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. You asked how long I’ve loved you, and I replied, “About 5,280 feet.” It was true.… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“I want to head up a committee to discuss how to properly head up committees. Our committee will sit at a round… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“He works for the CIA. Johnny Redyellow is his name, but I just simply call him Agent Orange.” — Jarod Kintz Agent orange Copy Share Image
“I don’t think that taking off my eye patch would increase my night vision by 100%, but it would go a long… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“I’m going to Australia. But first I’ve got to put on my swimming suit and stretch.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a status symbol, much like a Mercedes is now. The cool thing about a brick is… — Jarod Kintz Status symbol Copy Share Image
“I like using scented markers. Especially when I’m trying to color the inside of my nostrils.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket can be wrapped around one’s head and used as a helmet. It’s particularly appropriate if you wear your blanket helmet… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Would it make you more comfortable if I wore a condom while I shook your hand? I could wear it on my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“His last name is Palmer. His ancestors must have been compulsive masturbators. When we were introduced, I made sure to not shake… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s a fact I want to own a factory that makes up facts and figures, and I figure to make a fortune… — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“The average time for lightning to strike and thunder to hit is how long I love. But in which direction?” — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used as an American flag. It could keep the world warm with its patronizing patriotism and imperialism. ” — Jarod Kintz American flag Copy Share Image
“Most of the time, I feel like Phelps. At least when I’m not winning Olympic gold medals, which is an all the… — Jarod Kintz Gold medal Copy Share Image
“I keep a fish in each pocket, and one in my left shoe, so I don’t drown in your love.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I have as much style as a turnstile. Thrust your hips into me.” — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“For your birthday I’ll give you 100 copies of your least favorite author’s book, and they’ll all be autographed. Now, should I… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“Over 90% of my do-nothing attitude can be attributed to one thing—nothing. So can the other 10%—but that’s just the free sample… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll leave a note in the lobby that says, “Moved. 315.” You had a meeting with me at 3:00 in room 315.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m the sort of businessman who goes in to buy a lime, and comes out with a lemon. I’m shrewd like that.… — Jarod Kintz Used car Copy Share Image
“I need to go to the store and pick up some condoms. But first I need to pick up some women.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wish somebody would combine tasers and dildos, and test the devices out on all the politicians in Washington DC. Well, all… — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“It’s not that the risk isn’t worth the reward, it’s that the reward isn’t worth as much as another reward, which also… — Jarod Kintz Risk Copy Share Image
“I’d rather have a career that utilizes my creativity, but torturing people all day long is not a bad gig. At least… — Jarod Kintz Career Copy Share Image
“I called the police to report my missing mustache, but they didn’t take me seriously. I’ll bet if I had a mustache,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Eating a plain bagel with no cream cheese is like eating the inner tube of a bicycle tire, and I’d rather ride… — Jarod Kintz Cream cheese Copy Share Image
“The best birthday present is an empty box. Smile, it contains all my love for you.” — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“I can tie a cherry stem into a knot with my tongue. Now, if only I could do the same with my… — Jarod Kintz Success Copy Share Image
