“I may look like someone you know. I resemble an apple pie.” — Jarod Kintz Apple pie Copy Share Image
“I’d love to be a color commentator, but I can’t, because I’m white, and white isn’t a color.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Every night I pray I whisper into a megaphone, not only so God is sure to hear, but also my neighbors, because… — Jarod Kintz Every night Copy Share Image
“I went out to eat on a restaurant’s opening night. It was packed! I guess people heard I’d be dining there and… — Jarod Kintz Opening night Copy Share Image
“Not getting laid can be a crippling experience, but then I don't go looking for sex along the interstate.” — Jarod Kintz Getting laid Copy Share Image
“If you put a long-haired wig on and ask nicely, I might sit on your back and ride you like a horse.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Just because I murdered a man—my boss—doesn’t mean I deserve to be fired. In fact, as I see it and saw it,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“To choose to chew, rather than converse with my fellow dinner guests, was the choice I made when I chose the chewiest… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“We had a mythical love. Some would say, including her, that it didn’t exist.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I just realized my reality, and I’d like to say No Thanks. I’m going back to sleep.” — Jarod Kintz Sleep Copy Share Image
“What would people say about me? They would say I’m an enjoyable guy to be around. At least I’d hope they’d say… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I live my life according to a code. You might know it by the surname Morse.” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“Dear mom, My lieutenant is a prostitute. Can you please send me more lunch money, as her rates have recently increased.” — Jarod Kintz Dear mom Copy Share Image
“A plan won’t fly without dedication, perseverance, or wings. A plane won’t fly without those things either, though of those three things,… — Jarod Kintz Three things Copy Share Image
“I still remember my middle school locker combination. Maybe I should go back to my old locker to see if I left… — Jarod Kintz Middle school Copy Share Image
“William Penn would be a great pen name. But for love letters to manicured lawns, trees, and benches, the best name would… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“With friends like me, who needs mannequins? My love for you is statuesque. Come, let us dance like we’re made of stone.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“2021—will it be a good year, or will it be just another two consecutive numbers?” — Jarod Kintz Good Year Copy Share Image
“With my career I want to either make something or make an impact. Writers both make something, and make an impact.” — Jarod Kintz Career Copy Share Image
“The only time I’ll eat Italian wedding soup is if I’m wearing a tuxedo and eating with a priest.” — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“He won’t be as funny as a mountain—he’ll be hill-arious. He is my clone, and I hope he kills me for this… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If you’re a cannibal, an Olympic sprinter would be considered fast food.” — Jarod Kintz Fast food Copy Share Image
“I was in the shower the other day and I noticed on the back of the shampoo bottle it said, "Avoid contact… — Jarod Kintz Eye contact Copy Share Image
“The girl who did my oil change was so sexy that after she was done, I drove nonstop 2500 miles one way,… — Jarod Kintz Change Copy Share Image
“If my skull were made of glass, I wouldn’t want you to see my thoughts, so I’d fear going bald.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I think Starbucks would go out of business if more people were to Superglue their eyelids open when they felt tired.” — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“It’s spring now, and I was just thinking that I haven’t been in love since the fall. The fall of the Roman… — Jarod Kintz Fall Copy Share Image
“I’m a logician. No matter how wrong I am, I can always convince myself I am right.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“On any job application I ever do, if they want my references, I always list the Bible.” — Jarod Kintz Bible Copy Share Image
“If love had four legs and fur, would you try to pet it, chase it, or serve it up as chicken lo… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Did you know you can drink food? It’s true! It’s called soup, and I eat it with a fork. I’m as efficient… — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
Never let go of a good thing without a fight. Especially if that good thing is a pair of boxing gloves. — Jarod Kintz Boxing Copy Share Image
“I’m all out of beer like I’m all out of love. But I don’t drink beer, so who cares?” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Whenever I see a couple dancing, I think I could dance like that—if I were two people.” — Jarod Kintz Dance Copy Share Image
“Are you happy here with me? Because if not, we can scoot over a few feet.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
