“I don’t punch walls, because walls don’t punch back. I also don’t punch things that can and do punch back. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Newt Gingrich, buddy, the people of the United States don’t like you. And the only reason the rest of the world doesn’t… — Jarod Kintz Newt gingrich Copy Share Image
“A brick could be hidden in the dirt, for future archaeologists to dig up and declare, “Wow! This was one advanced society.” ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A great way to steal other people’s stuff is to build a vault and have them voluntarily store their own stuff there.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“He said he didn’t think he is good, but you can tell that secretly he thinks he’s good. And he’s right—he’s not… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“After years of searching, I finally found love. I found it in the unlikeliest of places: My best friend’s bed, right after… — Jarod Kintz Best friend Copy Share Image
“If my name were Mememem, and I had just ran into someone who should have known my name but couldn’t recall it,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like sex. Let’s get a group together. You know, for a better discount.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I once said, “You put what you get, and you get what you put.” Now I’d like to disagree 180 degrees. In… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“No more than two to a tricycle, please. When I said family fun, I didn’t mean this is a place to start… — Jarod Kintz Family Copy Share Image
“An author named Arthur Arthurson would write about art, love, and road kill in Kenya. And I’d read him because I’m a… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“I asked her to wear something revealing, so she showed up in a prophet's toga.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to make pants out of tuna fish, to accompany my cottage cheese thighs.” — Jarod Kintz Tuna fish Copy Share Image
“I have an inconsequential errand to run tomorrow so I’ll get up at 5, be there at 5:30, and wait for them… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“The cute girl at the bar asked for my number. I told her I’m number one. Then I gave her the area… — Jarod Kintz Programming Copy Share Image
“When your family dies, that’s a bummer, but that’s life. When my family dies, it’s a tragedy and the world is unbalanced… — Jarod Kintz Family Copy Share Image
“God created the heavens, while the devil created doubt. Here is a short list of Lucifer's other notable inventions: matches, the lighter,… — Jarod Kintz God Created Copy Share Image
“In the midst of the mist lies a mystery that only The Mythical Mr. Boo can solve. Nothing is more mystical, more… — Jarod Kintz Matters of the heart Copy Share Image
“The object I stabbed him with was all bloody. Fortunately for him, the blood was on the tampon before I stabbed him,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s a witch in Wichita. As an expert on all things Topeka, I should know. I once made Kansas all night long… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A brick is a barometer of love. Give it to the girl of your dreams, and see if she uses it to… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“I saw a hermaphrodite changing, so out of respect, I turned halfway around.” — Jarod Kintz Respect Copy Share Image
“If love came out of exhaust pipes, like a penis that penetrated deep into one, then maybe the world could use more… — Jarod Kintz Global warming Copy Share Image
“Two guys, a man and a beast, were walking underwater, when two goats began fishing for political votes. That’s when I fell… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I don’t want to hold you back. That’s what the chains affixed to the wall are for.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be considered part of performance art, if you’re inconsiderate and steal all the covers while we’re asleep—and film me… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“Don’t tell me your name. If you don’t tell me your name, I can’t hurt your feelings by forgetting it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In the 48 hours following my discovery of her infidelity, I found out she’d been with three other guys—two of them being… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I can be a better friend, lover, and humanitarian, but I can’t be a better eggroll. Sadly, I’m as good of an… — Jarod Kintz Friendship Copy Share Image
“The temperature in the room seems to have gone up about ten degrees. My armpits are sweating and I notice myself vigorously… — Jarod Kintz Bank account Copy Share Image
“I have two mustaches, one over each eye. They smell like tits and ass, because that’s all I enjoy drinking.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am approximately 96.694444% in love with you. Of course, that’s just a rough estimate.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Sometimes no words come as a response, only shapes spring to mind. But after you tell me you love me, I can’t… — Jarod Kintz Psychology Copy Share Image
“Ideas are like legs: what good are they if you can't run with them, or spread them?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Quaqua—the sound one’s soul squeals when seducing one’s own clown. (Not to be heard until a future date.)” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Yesterday is as ancient as a millennia ago, because both are forever out of reach.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If you had a clone, and you weren’t wearing perfume and your clone was, I’d automatically think your clone was more attractive.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
