“I eat fog for breakfast, and I shit out steamy love scenes from the 80s.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“The great news is I drive like a woman. The bad news is that it’s only when I’m wearing a dress.” — Jarod Kintz Bad news Copy Share Image
“I am Fried Quiero Loud Babcock (not bad cock), and I am here for the ranch dressing your father promised my father,… — Jarod Kintz Parenting Copy Share Image
“There are 365 days in a year, and 360 degrees in a circle. Coincidence? I think not. Really, I didn’t think, and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My ashtray is full, the carton of cigarettes is empty, and I just cremated grandpa. But I never inhaled—or told him I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My girlfriend Likes Sex and the City. Trouble is, I live in the country.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ve had 24 girlfriends in my life, and all of them occurred in the same two-day evening.” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“I once saw a politician walking a dog, and I thought, “How absurd—an animal walking an animal.” Then I thought, “If given… — Jarod Kintz Animals Copy Share Image
“I started out on a treadmill—and I just did my first marathon. And all while sitting in a wheelchair. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Try my all-you-can-eat vomit soup. Sadly, people don’t want seconds, because they don’t even want firsts. But it tastes great. I tasted… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The punctuation mark that best describes me as a person is the dash. But for Mark Question, it would probably be the… — Jarod Kintz Question mark Copy Share Image
“After dinner I wanted to talk to her about buying a clone. But that’s probably just too much for her to handle,… — Jarod Kintz Creativity Copy Share Image
“It’s possible that I couldn’t handle the truth, but I sure wouldn’t mind fondling it to find out.” — Jarod Kintz Handle the truth Copy Share Image
“I would rather make love than war, but only because condoms kill millions of lives more enjoyably.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Do or don’t, there is no don. Don is an honor not bestowed on any procrastinator, not even a professor at Oxford.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m not a king, but you can call me His Royal Hoorayness. If you did that, I’d be excited enough to deserve… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I coiled my empty straw wrapper around like a snake. Then I bit it before it could bite me. My love is… — Jarod Kintz Habits Copy Share Image
“I just weighed myself, and I thought I weighed 165, but it turns out I weigh 180. Wow! I’ve put on muscle… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A swimming pool full of coffee would be great to jump in first thing in the morning. After all, people often call… — Jarod Kintz Morning Copy Share Image
“I have no problem overcoming the butterflies in my stomach. Of course, neither do the fish I thought I caught with my… — Jarod Kintz Butterflies in my stomach Copy Share Image
“It occurs to me to devise mental tests on myself to see if I am who I think I am, but then… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My ducks give me eggs, and I took two of those eggs and nurtured them under a dome to produce two ducklings.… — Jarod Kintz Duck Copy Share Image
“The patrons aren’t patronizing the store, and it’s not just the economy that’s keeping them out—it’s that nobody here likes to be… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A female cop in my dream observes a shuffle, and takes note, but doesn’t fully see the bank robbery I have just… — Jarod Kintz Bank robbery Copy Share Image
“It’s not lit, it’s literature. Lit is something a book can be, after you’ve decided to burn it. (I suggest you start… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“I’m as thirsty as an elephant penis in the snow. I’m ready to love again.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Sometimes I write about the forest, sometimes I write about the trees, and occasionally I’ll write about the lumberjack. Actually, the lumberjack… — Jarod Kintz Trees Copy Share Image
“Out of love I made you a cake. Also out of milk, eggs, flour, sugar, and vanilla.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I have thin lips, like two rose petals on top of each other, and I would say I have a Roman nose,… — Jarod Kintz Rose petals Copy Share Image
“Vacation, I go there in my mind. Especially when I’m at work, getting paid for it.” — Jarod Kintz Psychology Copy Share Image
“Friends, like fingers, are only good if you can count on them, as well as point them in the right direction.” — Jarod Kintz Friendship Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to better improve relations with your relatives. But if you’re going to play quarterback, you’d better be… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t understand people who don’t like meatloaf. Your mom doesn’t make it like Michael Aday does.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Looking at you in a mirror makes you more of an ally than an opponent, because I’m standing next to you, rather… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Divorce is the second worst event in a person’s life. The worst event, of course, is marriage.” — Jarod Kintz Divorce Copy Share Image
“The shirt I have on today is the color of a banana, and tomorrow’s shirt will also be the color of a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to double back, donkey levitate cough meow cough meow hiss on giraffe shaft stroke a local bloke… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
