“I would wash my clothes in the aquarium, but there’s a shark in the tank, and a bloodstain on my shirt.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Yesterday I went to see a doctor. I woke up with a sore throat, congested sinuses, and invisibility. But when I got… — Jarod Kintz Sore throat Copy Share Image
“I take my investment advice from my dentist, because he’s just as likely to lose me money as a financial advisor.” — Jarod Kintz Financial advisor Copy Share Image
“The rocky terrain wasn’t the reason we were on uneven footing. She had no feet, and I was in love. We made… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I want to open a broken marriage repair shop. I’m not a counselor or psychologist, but I am a fan of the… — Jarod Kintz Broken marriage Copy Share Image
“The house is a normal-sized house, but once you step foot in the door, you are confronted with “The Dome.” Perfectly round,… — Jarod Kintz Natural light Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to start your car, if your car’s keys are cube-shaped and huge. You know what else cube-shaped… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My rules are as follows: don’t follow, unless there’s a fire. And in that case, follow from the front.” — Jarod Kintz Fire Copy Share Image
“I would like an extra tight vagina, in a to-go box please. Can I get it with extra gravy on top?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be grown on a tree, much like an apple or money, so that maybe humanity could achieve world peace—starting… — Jarod Kintz Fruits and vegetables Copy Share Image
“My friends mess around with my friends—and my friends’ bikes. Sex with bicycles—that kind of love is just too fast for me.… — Jarod Kintz Friendship Copy Share Image
“Love has boundaries, like a map, and I guess that makes me a cartographer. Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I did something so stupid last night that I can’t even speak about it today. I took a vow of silence.” — Jarod Kintz Last night Copy Share Image
“Yes, ma’am, I will take seconds. Your dinner tastes like excrement. I scream, you scream, we all scream for excrement.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Who needs a large vocabulary when you can just make up any word at any time? It makes life a whole lot… — Jarod Kintz Language Copy Share Image
“I want to make a coffee table that consists of a slab of wood supported by four crutches. That way, if a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“This core concept is so fundamental to her life that she even had a custom grand piano made where the keys aren’t… — Jarod Kintz Black and white Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. We picked up where we left off, with leftovers, and I said this was the best… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“I need love. Here’s a list of other things I need: eggs, butter, flour, and sugar. I’m making a cake for the… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“My advice is to just ignore the problem until you’re dead. This could be the quickest solution of your life.” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“The phone book shouldn’t be arranged alphabetically, but by height. Guess how tall my love for you is. That’s right—taller than Goliath!” — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“My fur coat doesn’t need to be dry cleaned, because it’s self-cleaning. It’s constantly licking its fur to keep itself clean. Beats… — Jarod Kintz Car wash Copy Share Image
“When you see my skill with a brick, you’ll think I’m skilled under the blanket. But I’m not. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I didn’t do it in 1066. But I’m only not guilty because I wasn’t quite alive then. The ferocity of the Normans… — Jarod Kintz History Copy Share Image
“I’d rate myself five stars, and those stars would all be fish. My review was of how well I walked on the… — Jarod Kintz Astronomy Copy Share Image
“I want a camera shaped like a jail, so I can capture a ghost on film.” — Jarod Kintz Cinema Copy Share Image
“Add some mystery to your morning coffee and stir in some mist. Or go full fog for that #MissMarpleFlavor. Then solve it… — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“From where I live now I can walk to the beach, if I have about three weeks.” — Jarod Kintz Live Now Copy Share Image
“Question for your life: If we were to kiss passionately for 30 minutes, would you refill my oxygen tank in the process?” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“In a dream, in her head means in my head, as I have unrestricted access to her thoughts and the innermost parts… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“What’s the point of being the first to arrive? Nobody is there to witness your commitment.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“-Good thing you don’t own a mirror, Mr. Mirrorless, or you’d see how ugly you are. -What makes you think I don’t… — Jarod Kintz Good thing Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to express my feelings towards her. You see, I’m not tired—but I am tired of her. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
