“I keep my heart in my hope chest. Other items in there are clothes, towels, silverware, and all the love I have… — Jarod Kintz Future wife Copy Share Image
“Sexcess—it’s about sex in excess and success all rolled up into one sweaty ball.” — Jarod Kintz Success Copy Share Image
“If I had a hand for a penis, would a hand job be appropriate in place of a handshake at business meetings? ” — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“I could be the best lover you’ll ever have. Maybe not the best in bed, but I could be the best conversationalist.… — Jarod Kintz Pillow Talk Copy Share Image
“What has four wooden legs and hangs out in a bar? If you answered a barstool, you’ve apparently never partied with a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to upholster the inside lining of my nostrils with leather, to have that "new car smell" all the time.” — Jarod Kintz New car Copy Share Image
“When a whisper seems like a shout, I know I need to get some sleep. But I can’t lay down without first… — Jarod Kintz Sleep Copy Share Image
“I’m a thief, because I stole her heart. That’s so cheesy that I had to end it with nachos.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I just received the message she left earlier today. She left the message yesterday, but she left today. Now I feel like… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“I met a man with no forehead and receding eyebrows. He had ketchup crusted on his eyelids. I can't remember what we… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I just bought a rotary phone, a Rolodex, and a polyester suit. Oh yes, I’m now ready to start networking.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like cardboard. Of course, I have to be in the mood to eat Pizza Hut.” — Jarod Kintz Pizza hut Copy Share Image
“The truth is I did try to stab him. I tried to stab him with a butter knife. Why? Because it seemed… — Jarod Kintz Truth Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a dream stimulator. Just tap it gently against your forehead. And if the mechanism gets stuck,… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“When I’m introduced to a woman for the first time, I always say the same thing. I say, “Hi, I’m Jarod, and… — Jarod Kintz First time Copy Share Image
“Ice cream is like the sun, except instead of it being hot it’s cold. Also it’s edible and tasty and won’t make… — Jarod Kintz Ice cream Copy Share Image
“A brick could replace the cardboard bill on a baseball cap. On a windy day, no gust will knock your hat off. ” — Jarod Kintz Windy day Copy Share Image
“I ate a rainbow in a bowl, because it’s better than eating rain soup. Food and water aren’t supposed to be one… — Jarod Kintz Rain Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a substitute for my father. I hate to admit it, but I think a brick would… — Jarod Kintz Dad Copy Share Image
“To fly is to swim in the air, and a brick could be used as an as example to highlight man’s failure… — Jarod Kintz Failure Copy Share Image
“Cher and share alike. At least in sound. Most of the decisions I make are sound, exactly like Beethoven when he wrote… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I bought you a gift. It’s something I’ve always wanted, but I’m not quite sure you’ll like it. So if you don’t… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The site of her warmed my heart, like a mitten over my penis. Can you please pass me the empty handshakes?” — Jarod Kintz Empty hands Copy Share Image
“You are getting a wooden leg for your birthday, and you are going to love it. Incidentally, this means removing your leg… — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to unite two long-lost brothers. They’ve been apart for six inches, and that’s entirely too long, and… — Jarod Kintz Lost brother Copy Share Image
“My love is like hooray! Special terms and conditions may apply. See dealer for details. Coupon not valid with any other offer.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to remind me of her. I mean everything else reminds me of her, so why not a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I refuse to answer the phone, especially when it’s not questioning (ringing).” — Jarod Kintz Answer The Phone Copy Share Image
“Love isn’t measured in feet and miles, it’s measured in hands and hands on. (Yesterday at 3:33 pm I spoke to the… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“If yes is the new no, no is the new maybe, and maybe is the new yes, then my answer is definitely… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have a problem. I wouldn’t say I’m in a pickle. More like a vinegarized cucumber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I make love like a brick could be used as toilet paper. Sure, it’s rough, but I thought you liked that shit. ” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“When red fights with white, pink is always the winner. Let that be a lesson in love.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I wish I could flush down my fears, but I can’t, because they’d clog up the toilet. Ah, but that’s life, no?” — Jarod Kintz Fear Copy Share Image
“He left then reappeared 15 seconds later, so I said, “Did you have a good nap?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“He’s not my son, but his last name is Myson. Same spelling, big difference.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“He wasn’t a Have, and he wasn’t a Have Not. He was a midget, so he was a shorter Haven’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
