“I don't let my spaghetti dangle, or twirl it around my fork. I cut it. Of course, my preferred slicing utensil is… — Jarod Kintz Absurd Copy Share Image
“Love is the thing that holds life together. Sort of like rind to a melon, cloth to a stuffed animal, or money… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“If I were a robot, and I got cheated on with a vacuum cleaner, I’d question my cleanliness. I’d also wonder if… — Jarod Kintz Gold digger Copy Share Image
“I made plans out of hope, expectation, desire, and duct tape, and I broke those plans with my bare hands.” — Jarod Kintz Duct tape Copy Share Image
“We got into an argument over the color of love. I said it was pink, and he said it was red. So… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I’d rather be snorkeling in the sea of love. But instead I’m stuck here, in a fully paid, all-inclusive resort in the… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“What I got out of church was a love of God, and a detestable feeling for the men standing in the way… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Planning is worrying, only in a productive, proactive form. Worry has to be a large element of planning, or else how could… — Jarod Kintz Fear Copy Share Image
“I’ll grab my crotch at you. It’s a greeting, like hello, only more provocative and inviting.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The term “global audience” is misleading and meaningless, but I’m proud to say that I do indeed have a global audience. At… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to ward off warts. I tested it out last Tuesday on my Aunt Velma, and she doesn’t… — Jarod Kintz Science Copy Share Image
“The two spoons were stuck together. Not because they were sticky, but because they were stubborn and clingy and “in love.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“The rivers are my memory, and I drink them at their basin and remember.” — Jarod Kintz Memory Copy Share Image
“I made out like a bandit. Not that I’ve ever made out with a bandit.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Cap’n just jumped on the bed and says we should take a nap. And who am I to argue?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I gathered my courage like nuts and berries, I cautiously approached her, I waited for her to turn her head, and then… — Jarod Kintz Courage Copy Share Image
“I think I speak for all the mutes when I say, “Silence is equality.” I’m sure the deaf would agree too.” — Jarod Kintz Equality Copy Share Image
“A blanket really makes the bed. Good thing too, because I never make the bed. ” — Jarod Kintz Good thing Copy Share Image
“He was cold and ugly, so I lent him my invisible cloak. He was grateful and said if I was ever in… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A picture is worth a thousand words, but is 400% less valuable, because a picture only captures one of the senses—sight. However,… — Jarod Kintz Photography Copy Share Image
“Love is a boomerang dripped in honey, in that it emanates from me just as surely as it will return to me.… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I’m too impatient to be impatient, as impatience often wastes time through repetition and redundancy.” — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“Love has a glow, like a neon light having sex with a pack of hi-lighters, only not quite as quaint.” — Jarod Kintz Having sex Copy Share Image
“If I were to list all the positive attributes about Ryan Lilly, I’d run out of superior adjectives to use. I mean… — Jarod Kintz Body love Copy Share Image
“Jack Black and Betty White should couple and produce Earl Grey. I could go for a cup of tea.” — Jarod Kintz Cup of tea Copy Share Image
“A brick can be neither good nor bad. A brick just is. And it isn’t, because I just stole it from you,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We’re all artists. It’s just most people keep their inner artist locked behind their rib cage.” — Jarod Kintz Rib cage Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to crush the Fruit of Desire and make the Juice of Destiny. Drink it before I lose… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“With gift giving, if it’s the thought that counts, then a picture of a Mercedes is just as good as an actual… — Jarod Kintz Gift giving Copy Share Image
“I network like a Spanish Inquisitor. I am very good at extracting relevant information. And if you resist, you’ll only confirm your… — Jarod Kintz Spanish Copy Share Image
“If you were to talk about your nose, I’d take everything you’d say at face value.” — Jarod Kintz Face value Copy Share Image
“I was so focused on my mistake that I made another mistake during the correction of the initial mistake.” — Jarod Kintz Failure Copy Share Image
“I rode my horse to the saloon, but it was out of business. The cowboy I spoke with said the bartender served… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“I’ll tell you what love is. Love is walking up and down Archer Road in Gainesville, Florida and feeling like Cupid. Too… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that your house hasn't burned down, you don't have… — Jarod Kintz Bad news Copy Share Image
“You don’t happen to have any happiness, do you? Can I borrow a cup?” — Jarod Kintz Happiness Copy Share Image
“I own nothing, but at least nothing owns me. Well, besides the bank.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A car’s gas tank should be see-through, so I don’t have to rely on a possibly faulty gauge to tell me it’s… — Jarod Kintz Human heart Copy Share Image
