“I’m tired of talking. I want you to extract my thoughts through my nostrils.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My favorite time to network is now. Seriously, what are you doing this instant? Call all your friends and tell them you… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“I held her, but that wasn’t enough to hold us together. That’s where the glue came in.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In life or death situations, my father has only been there once for me. So I'd like to tell him thanks for… — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“It’s not really masturbating if you’re jacking your clone off. It’s more like politics.” — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“I didn’t write this piece to attract a potential mate, as the title might lead a reader to believe. That said, I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“People always say I have hands as large as the Roman Empire. I guess it just goes with the territory. Romance, it’s… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Life is made up of now, and the past and the future are nothing more than inedible garnishes.” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“A hammer alone on a coffee table doesn’t kill someone. But a man in a business suit with hemorrhoids might. How that… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“I just made a fan gun. Instead of shooting bullets, it shoots the breeze. Just doing my part to make a more… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I took the wheels of my bike off in support of your bicycle race to support bike riding.” — Jarod Kintz Bike riding Copy Share Image
“I can throw an orange like a baseball, but I can’t eat a baseball like an orange. Let that be a life… — Jarod Kintz Baseball Copy Share Image
“Business idea: People like to eat and drive, so why not make edible cars? Instead of gasoline, they’d run on coffee.” — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“I drink coffee like a civilized man—alone in a cave, wearing a loincloth, and grunting in frustration because my club is too… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The wind chime sounded like a spoon clanging against a cereal bowl, and I was glad I was having soup for breakfast.” — Jarod Kintz Wind Chime Copy Share Image
“If you tell me I look like someone you know, I might get panicked and think you’re on to me. I thought… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“All drivers run red lights the same way—with a glance in the rearview mirror to see if a cop saw them. I… — Jarod Kintz Motivation Copy Share Image
“If a clock represented a pie chart, then I just ate a slice of apple pie so large it represents 33 minutes.… — Jarod Kintz Apple pie Copy Share Image
“She puts the “She” in Sheila. Who am I talking about? Why, Sheila, of course. It should be noted that I don’t… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I say we cut our government in half, with a chainsaw along their waists.” — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“She was in a coma, and had been unresponsive for years. Every Tuesday I’d visit her and read to her, and as… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to get the huge wart that looks like a nose removed from my back, but first I'm going to try… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
Im bilingual, speaking English and body language. I prefer the latter, because I can speak it silently and without listening and while… — Jarod Kintz Body language Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you where you were an economic hero. So is the real life you like the dream you?… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“It’s 3:33 am as I’m writing this down on loose sheets of printer paper. I’m in the back office sitting behind the… — Jarod Kintz Good life Copy Share Image
“At the potluck, I brought two dishes: knowledge and mashed potatoes and gravy. Guess which one got cleaned out and which one… — Jarod Kintz Mashed potatoes Copy Share Image
“If I can delay your action with my inaction, then I’ll gladly do nothing for the good of the no good.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If you’re tired of taking one step forward and two steps back, just turn around. That way you’ll be going forward in… — Jarod Kintz Step forward Copy Share Image
“If science took my IQ and spread it evenly among the world's population, like mental mayonnaise, we'd have more art, less war,… — Jarod Kintz Science Copy Share Image
Dont go looking for pancakes when you have flapjacks at home. — Jarod Kintz Adultery Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used like a fleeglebeegle, which in turn could be used like a zoopkatofka, which itself could be used… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The number 12 is good, the number 123 is better, but the number one is still the best.” — Jarod Kintz Mathematics Copy Share Image
“You can’t help who your parents are or aren’t. My parents aren’t—they don’t exist and have never existed.” — Jarod Kintz Parenting Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to satisfy your hunger—and satisfy my curiosity. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We’re going to go in the back room as two singles, copulate back there, and come out a couple. Somebody go tell… — Jarod Kintz Missing Person Copy Share Image
“Politics isn’t dirty. And neither are politicians. No, politicians are filthy.” — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“I run a Falconi Four operation out of my garage. If you’re not familiar with Vegas, you wouldn’t know what it is… — Jarod Kintz Reign of terror Copy Share Image
