In every generation there are a few people who are authentically funny. The cosmetics change. You may not be able to articulate… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
What has gotten into you lately? Save a little craziness for menopause! — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
When it comes to sex there are certain things that should always be left unknown, and with my luck, they probably will… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in braille. I used to rub the dirty parts. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
Skeptic that I was as an adolescent, I had recently come to believe in a Supreme Being after thumbing through a Victoria's… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
How does gravity work? And if it were to cease suddenly, would certain restaurants still require a jacket? — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
“Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.” — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5' 7", it is impossible to get your congressman on… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
“If I got a paper cut, that’s a tragedy. If you fell down an open manhole and died, that's comedy.” — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
She had been critical of his new torch song, "A Side Order of Heartache, Please," suggesting it could be used as a… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
I feel that humor, just like Fred Astaire dance numbers or these lightweight musicals, gives you a little oasis. You are in… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
“Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?” — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
The comedies are not a million laughs on the set. Its business and the dramas are business as well, really. When I'm… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
Sex and death. Two things that come but once in my lifetime, but at least after death you're not nauseous. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
Umlaut snaps around and we cut to a blond apparition in her early twenties, clearly descended from Olympus by way of Hugh… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
I'm a comedian. I make comic films and there are certain ideas that occur to me that are comic, with heavy, serious… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter? — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
“True, science has conquered many diseases, broken the genetic code, and even placed human beings on the moon, and yet when a man of… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
In every generation there are a few people who are authentically funny. The cosmetics change. You may not be able to articulate it, and… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
I think Frank Capra was a much craftier filmmaker, a wonderful filmmaker. He had enormous technique, and he knew how to manipulate the public… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
Gauguin flew into a frenzy! He held my head under the X-ray machine for ten straight minutes and for several hours after I could… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
What has gotten into you lately? Save a little craziness for menopause! — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
I enjoy the making of the film and it's something for me to do. If nobody ever comes to my films, if people don't… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
A stockbroker is someone who invests other people's money until it is all gone. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
Man cannot live by bread alone. Every once in awhile he needs a salad. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
All literature is a footnote to Faust. I have no idea what I mean by that. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
