I usually lump organized religion, organized labor, and organized crime together. The Mafia gets points for having the best restaurants — Dave Beard Copy Share Image
It's true. Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead… — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
Human Brain is amazing. It functions 24 hours for 365 days. It functions right from the time we were born and only… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Hosting the Oscars is like making love to a beautiful woman - it's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal's… — Steve Martin Copy Share Image
Never go to clubs with metal detectors. Sure it feels safe inside. But what about all those niggas waiting outside with guns?… — Chris Rock Copy Share Image
Just saw a homeless guy buy a cup of coffee, drink it, then use the cup to beg and make his money… — Green Monk Copy Share Image
Whether it's an innate ability or an acquired way of regarding the world around us, being labeled as funny can only be… — Alan Zweibel Copy Share Image
“Funny how we'll do things for people after they're dead that we wouldn't do for them while they're still alive.” — John G. Hemry Copy Share Image
Before Kady was born, I didn't think having a kid would be such a big deal. My attitude was simple: Babies are… — Tim Allen Copy Share Image
Been wit ur ex iz like repeating the same grade again...lol...its like...u already been threw it & ull b doN da same… — IG:catone_2_funny Copy Share Image
“Let me ask you something, in all the years that you have...undressed in front of a gentleman has he ever asked you… — Elizabeth Gilbert Copy Share Image
“You know that's why mermaids swim around topless all the time, right? It's because their boobs are too big and all bras… — H.M. Ward Copy Share Image
I CRY EVERYDAY PEOPLE JUST DON'T SEE . THEY HURT ME IN MANY WAYS. BUT THEY JUST THINK IT'S FUNNY. I TRY… — Amber Monkman Copy Share Image
“My name is Mr Bread." He began writing his name neatly on the board. "But you can call me Peter." Suddenly there… — David Walliams Copy Share Image
Had be been Shakespeare, he would then have written Troilus and Cressidato brand the offending sex; but being only a little dog,… — Robert Louis Stevenson Copy Share Image
“I think you've confused being enthralled with amusing yourself by irritating me.' 'Possibly,' he remarked. 'I do find pleasure in that.' He… — Jennifer L. Armentrout Copy Share Image
When you get that nice celebration coming into the dugout and youre getting your ass hammered by guystheres no better feeling than… — Matt Stairs Copy Share Image
“We had an unspoken love for one another. Probably because she’d never talk to me or return my phone calls or texts. ” — Dark Jar Tin Zoo Copy Share Image
When I was a child, I always wanted to be funny and to please people in my family. As you grow up… — Romola Garai Copy Share Image
It is funny that fans will come up to me constantly asking when I'm going into the Hall of Fame. I respond,… — Ted DiBiase Sr Copy Share Image
My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
A woman gets stretch marks from one of two things. Either she was big and got small or she was small and… — Katt Williams Copy Share Image
I have learned from an early age to abjured the use of meat, and the time will come when men such as… — Leonardo Da Vinci Copy Share Image
“Never a dull moment,” he muttered. They’d been flash and bang from the first moment they’d met. “Yeah, well, if you weren’t… — Abigail Roux & Madeleine Urban Copy Share Image
Let death be daily before your eyes, and you will never entertain any abject thought, nor too eagerly covet anything. — Epictetus Copy Share Image
The fact that 'A Dirty Job' has comedy and supernatural horror in it, that both are woven in and out of it… — Christopher Moore Copy Share Image
The angels stand between us and God, but they are translucent, even transparent, and they beckon us to penetrate their luminosity. — Peter Wilson Copy Share Image
“Married?" she practically screeched, not sounding all that pleased, which left him feeling a little offended. "We're not getting married." He snorted… — R.L. Mathewson Copy Share Image
I find it funny how people from Boston and New York hate each other because of pro teams. But, like, everyone on… — Julian Casablancas Copy Share Image
All the greatest comedians use comedy and humor to release pain and sadness, and I think that instead of wanting to live… — Princess Nokia Copy Share Image
The musicals that I loved, growing up - many, many. 'Singing in the Rain,' of course, is a classic, I love 'Meet… — Rob Marshall Copy Share Image
You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. "Land mine '69." You see a guy with one arm, he's… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
The dentist drills some more and you hear him make a mistake. And to cover it up, they all say the same… — Bill Cosby Copy Share Image
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.' — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
You know, a lot of people come to me and they say, "Steve, how can you be so fucking funny?" There's a… — Steve Martin Copy Share Image
“Judy went back to Paulie’s place, but either he wasn’t home or he wasn’t answering his door. After banging on the door… — A. Lee Martinez Copy Share Image
In the morning I can't eat, I'm thinking of you. In the evening I can't eat, I'm thinking of you. In the… — Babloo Copy Share Image
Well thank you for reading this!! i dont have much to say but only 5 things 1.make some money 2.grow up 3.be… — Natasha Uys Copy Share Image
Females: I'ma slap that b*tch when I see her, she got me f**ked up! *Girl walks past. She lucky she ain't look… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
