I had one guy say, 'I watched your show and didn't agree with what you said.' And I'm like, 'It's a joke.… — Carlos Mencia Copy Share Image
“I feel like I’m going to die,’ he says. ‘Could we talk for a few minutes before you die?’ ‘Only if you… — Doug MacLeod Copy Share Image
“Not Carnegie, Vanderbilt, and Astor together could have raised money enough to buy a quarter share in my little dog.” — Ernest Thompson Seton Copy Share Image
In my film "Benny's Video," I depicted violence but I failed to say all that I had to say, so I wanted… — Michael Haneke Copy Share Image
This is it. It's for all the marbles. I'm sitting in the house loading up the pump, I'm loading up the Uzis,… — Kevin Garnett Copy Share Image
How am I supposed to grow up and make life choices when I still use my fingers to count, and I still… — Slowly_fading Copy Share Image
Trains are not any more energy efficient than the average automobile, with both getting about 48 passenger miles to the gallon. — Ronald Reagan Copy Share Image
Legend tells of a legendary warrior whose kung fu skills were the stuff of legend. He traveled the land in search of… — Po - The Dragon Warrior Copy Share Image
“His appearance projected danger and reinforced the common knowledge that one did not want to piss off a demon, especially this one.” — Kiersten Fay Copy Share Image
Journeys start from where we are. Everything starts from where we are. Where we are is where we're supposed to be. — Evelyn Eaton Copy Share Image
“For a beverage, you asked for some “cherry-assed Kool Aid.” Okay, now you’re just adding “assed” in places where it doesn’t even… — Colin Nissan Copy Share Image
I like doing comedy, I like doing drama. Naturally I like to do, I like doing dramas, I like conflict, and when… — Matt Dillon Copy Share Image
Comedy is the slave of time. What seemed funny then is unlikely to seem funny now, just as what strikes us as… — Craig Brown Copy Share Image
“I pat her on the head. "Oh, naive little Kitten. Dear, foolish girl. This cookie is worth all this and more. Sit… — Jenny Han Copy Share Image
“Most human beings would have never been pained by the death of a human being if they had never seen a human… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
I'm rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I've regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that… — Bob Monkhouse Copy Share Image
The likelihood of getting lost is directly proportional to the number of times the direction-giver says, 'You can't miss it'. — Hal Roach Copy Share Image
My mum and dad are both really funny. My granddad's really funny. My uncle's really funny. Everyone's really funny. You have to… — Noel Fielding Copy Share Image
“Don't even think of arguing with me. I'm an old woman and if you fight me about it, it could give me… — Sara Taney Humphreys Copy Share Image
“Approaching the forest from the west was no army, but a delegation of Grailsundanian master surgeons on their way to an appendix… — Walter Moers Copy Share Image
“Hey!” He snapped out of his musings as Destiny’s hand trailed down his body to cup his less than interested cock through… — Jane Cousins Copy Share Image
Go home and prosper. In other words, go home and f*&% yourself. Sorry, that was mean, but you have to admit, it… — Christopher Timmerman Copy Share Image
I can speak for every guy in this room here tonight. Guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies, you'd be in this… — Bill Hicks Copy Share Image
Teacher: Please go to page 364 in your text book. Random kid in the back: HOLY CRAP I JUSTFLIPPED RIGHT TO THAT… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Not that I don't think irreverent humor and someone being filthy is funny, I just do what I do. Any comedian would… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
We often laughed at others in our house, and I picked up the craft of being polite while people were present and… — Muriel Spark Copy Share Image
I went out to dinner with a Marine last weekend. He looked across the table and he goes, "I could kill you… — Margaret Smith Copy Share Image
When I was a child, I did swimming, running, ballet and even karate. But I got kicked out of karate class on… — Maria Sakkari Copy Share Image
“Where are you going this hot day, Mis’ DeJong?” Selina sat up very straight. “To Bagdad, Mrs. Pool.” “To — Where’s that? What for?”… — Edna Ferber Copy Share Image
I don't appreciate people who celebrate their dog's birthdays with "dog parties," and then invite their friends who don't even have dogs.… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“Falco wagged her journal in front of her. "This is yours, I presume." A slow smile spread across his face. "Let's find… — Fiona Paul Copy Share Image
“The mind likes a strange idea as little as the body likes a strange protein and resists it with similar energy. It… — Wilfred Trotter Copy Share Image
I loved being in the room with Mamet as a director - he is the most generous, funny, delightful person to work… — Richard Thomas Copy Share Image
Omgz hav!n such a gewd tiem wif mai bestiez, lolzzz!..Serio íusly? Take your keyboard and bash your head into it. -___- — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Everybody who comes to my home has to play at least one set against me. I beat them all. The best thing… — Robin Van Persie Copy Share Image
Before the first atomic bomb test, scientists took the time to calculate whether the blast would ignite the nitrogen in Earth's atmosphere… — Dennis Overbye Copy Share Image
Nothing more clearly shows how little God esteems his gift to men of wealth, money, position and other worldly goods, than the… — Jean de la Bruyere Copy Share Image
It's funny, I see my dad in myself when I say certain things or I do certain things. I'll say, 'That was… — Philip Rivers Copy Share Image
To be a successful father... there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two… — Ernest Hemingway Copy Share Image
I like cartoons. I like 'Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends.' It's funny! It has things that kids wouldn't get. It's like, if… — David Archuleta Copy Share Image
