Every man has to settle down eventually. You know why you gotta settle down eventually? Because you don't want to be the… — Chris Rock Copy Share Image
“I wanted to call you, but I find myself feeling...awkward when it comes to you." "'Awkward' is the word du jour," I… — Molly Harper Copy Share Image
“I wil not calm down. My baby girl is moving halfway across the country.” “She’s been moved away before,” Dad pointed out.… — Kristen Ashley Copy Share Image
Me: I'm so tired I could collaspe into bed and sleep for a year.. Me: gets in bed Me: how was earth… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
They seal the subway change-booth guy up inside this thing with bullet-proof glass, closed in on all sides, it's like some kind… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
“Okay, so let's say we're all in the bubble. What's tonight then? Part of the bubble too? Because, it can't be all… — Margaux Froley Copy Share Image
I feel that nasal spray is a wondrous medical achievement, because it is supposed to relieve nasal congestion, and by gadfrey, it… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
“Aren't men funny? When they want to pay you the greatest compliment in their power, they naively tell you that you have… — Jean Webster Copy Share Image
“He does manage the bookstore, which is currently my favorite place on earth." Her eyes glazed over. "All those books. If I… — Heather Blake Copy Share Image
My friend and I founded the New York Arab-American Comedy Festival to counter the negative images of Arabs in media. And we… — Maysoon Zayid Copy Share Image
“Are you having fun playing with those plastic 3-D models of ears, noses and throats? That’s kind of like what I do,… — Colin Nissan Copy Share Image
The funny thing, I guess, is that my husband ended up being the muse of a book about the worst marriage in… — Gillian Flynn Copy Share Image
Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all… — Bill Hicks Copy Share Image
Glenn was the one who invited me to join the Eagles in 1974, and it turned out to be a gift of… — Don Felder Copy Share Image
When you're in @#*!#-ing hell, your forehead can feel a wee bit feverish. (By the way, that's the way my wife actually… — Paul Reiser Copy Share Image
Often when you are starting out in comedy, you will find that people will laugh at the things you didn't think were… — Natasha Leggero Copy Share Image
I was a business major at the University of Richmond, and after I graduated, I took a job at a corporate ad… — Lil Dicky Copy Share Image
I like Taylor Swift a lot. She has really fun, catchy songs. It's so funny: I always say any guy that's gonna… — Rozonda Thomas Copy Share Image
There's a couple of movie parts that I can't remember. There was always something kind of lurking, because when 'The Office' started,… — Craig Robinson Copy Share Image
Lesley Manville comes at 'funny' from a totally different direction in 'Phantom Thread,' using snootiness and froideur. The effect of her performance… — Wesley Morris Copy Share Image
Careers are funny things. They begin mysteriously and, just as mysteriously, they can end; and I am at just the very beginning… — Edward Albee Copy Share Image
Just because a baby cries, I discovered, doesn't mean there's always something wrong. Sometimes babies wake up for no real reason. They… — Paul Reiser Copy Share Image
Was he joking? Was he being sarcastic? Aggressive? Impertinent? Or just courteous? There was no telling from his impassive face. What a… — George Mikes Copy Share Image
Scenes change all the time. Scenes will change while you're shooting them, and you just have to roll with it 'cause that's… — Yara Shahidi Copy Share Image
“Weetzie could see him--it was a man, a little man in a turban, with a jewel in his nose, harem pants, and… — Francesca Lia Block Copy Share Image
Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories; kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100; diapering… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
“There was a group of fans who wanted autographs, and several women who managed to write their phone numbers on Wade's hand… — Jill Shalvis Copy Share Image
“There is a story I always tell my students...when I came for the 1st time to the US. I didn’t speak English… — Pablo Copy Share Image
“HOMICIDE, n. The slaying of one human being by another. There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy, but… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
When I was in high school, there was 'Superbad' and 'The Girl Next Door' and 'Wedding Crashers' and all these great movies.… — Miles Teller Copy Share Image
'Entourage' was a show that existed around wish-fulfillment. People watched it because they wanted to believe they could go on private jets… — Adam Pally Copy Share Image
This is my depressed stance. When you're depressed, it makes a lot of difference how you stand. The worst thing you can… — Charles M. Schulz Copy Share Image
I guess you heard about this; the U.S. Olympic Committee is coming under fire after it was revealed that the uniforms for… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
This is the great thing about Northern Ireland. I walk down the street and people stop me and say things like, 'I… — Rory McIlroy Copy Share Image
“Oh. Momma told me not to tell you that your bed squeaks. But I think you know, 'cause I could hear it… — Chris Owen Copy Share Image
“Marianne would have thought herself very inexcusable had she been able to sleep at all the first night after parting from Willoughby.… — Jane Austen Copy Share Image
I made $3,000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they paid me in cash. That was a bad situation, because I bought… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Why don't they allow professional wrestling at the Olympics? They allow pro basketball players and hockey players. Olympic pro wrestling would be… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Mariah is a beautiful and talented person, and I've had a crush on her for as long as I can remember. Every… — Nick Cannon Copy Share Image
When you're in Hollywood and you're a comedian, everybody wants you to do other things. All right, you're a stand-up comedian, can… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
