“I'm not sure whether to be relieved she didn't hurt you or diappointed. Now he's going to think he got away with… — Christine Warren Copy Share Image
“If you find yourself suddenly mated to a werewolf, whatever you do, don't panic. Simply turn to Jen for assistance and she… — Quinn Loftis Copy Share Image
You know what?...Huhh!..my c0rn...I never give up that easily...but I know your Cockerel ain't gonna leave to see another day. — Old Roger Copy Share Image
Ingrid Kristiansen then has smashed the world record, running the 5000 metres in 14:58.89. Truly amazing. Incidentally, this is a personal best… — David Coleman Copy Share Image
God, do I hate my little fat tits. You ever pinch your little meat tits and wish you were dead? You ever… — Jim Norton Copy Share Image
Funny enough, there have been puppets in everything I've written because I have a huge love of puppets. There's a big puppet… — Jason Segel Copy Share Image
I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, "I'm mailing those cookies to my friend." So I couldn't have one.… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
My dad's really funny. The male sense of humor - like my grandfather's and such - is pretty bizarre. Basically my dad's… — Kurt Vile Copy Share Image
America is a nation of 270 million people: 100 million of them are gangsters, another 100 million are hustlers, 50 million are… — Tom Robbins Copy Share Image
“We bask in the scent of cinnamon before Mom puts a scone her plate. 'His name is Rich,' she says. I select… — Kelly Bingham Copy Share Image
“Do we have a hand mirror?' I asked from the kitchen doorway. 'Never use one,' said Lester, examining the date on a… — Phyllis Reynolds Naylor Copy Share Image
We're happy that you were able to come to the wedding despite not having time to RSVP with the self addressed, pre-paid… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I could have become a soldier if I had waited; I knew more about retreating than the man who invented retreating. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
The next time you find yourself in an argument, rather than defend your position, see if you can see the other point… — Richard Carlson Copy Share Image
I've just seen really, really funny guys, and if I didn't know them, I wouldn't know they were funny from the television.… — Norm MacDonald Copy Share Image
I was a business major at the University of Richmond, and after I graduated, I took a job at a corporate ad… — Lil Dicky Copy Share Image
I regret behaving badly when I was younger. I did not know any better at the time. The thing is that the… — Jim Broadbent Copy Share Image
Scenes change all the time. Scenes will change while you're shooting them, and you just have to roll with it 'cause that's… — Yara Shahidi Copy Share Image
There will always be a battle between the sexes because men and women want different things. Men want women and women want… — George Burns Copy Share Image
“We need to remember what's important in life: friends, waffles, work. Or waffles, friends, work. Doesn't matter, but work is third.” — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Never play peek-a-boo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
“Their lips met in a slow, languid kiss. Salt from her tears mixed with her natural sweetness. She wrapped her arms around… — J. Rose Black Copy Share Image
“Just so you know, I get incredibly bored quite easily and you will be forced to be my source of entertainment. You'll… — Jennifer L. Armentrout Copy Share Image
“ It’s a long shot, but this baby is pretty cool.” He pushed the button that brought up the menu. “I need… — Sophie Oak Copy Share Image
I exaggerate all our selves, our beings. I make fun of everything: of our life and what we are. But I don't… — Don Rickles Copy Share Image
“What are we talking about again?” he asks. I say science at the same time that he says love, and we both… — Nicola Yoon Copy Share Image
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding an attractive recent picture of yourself to upload on a dating site. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and… — Chic Murray Copy Share Image
I mean if you two were to make love, that would be gay. Two men touching each other physically and emotionally...erotically caressing… — Kristen Schaal Copy Share Image
There's something outrageously funny about the bold-faced lying that's going on, in a general way. Just the blatant denial of facts, whether… — Matt Walsh Copy Share Image
'Smart Funny and Black' is basically a live black pop culture game show that I created. We have a live band. We… — Amanda Seales Copy Share Image
On the 12th day of Christmas, my Facebook gave too me, 12 stupid bitches, 11 fake people, 10 FB hackings, 9 new… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
You know what, December's a funny time of the year, because the weather changes, the central heating comes on; sometimes you can… — Phil Taylor Copy Share Image
“"Repeat that?" "It's National Talk Like a Pirate Day. Didn't you know?" "Somehow I missed the memo." "You mean, 'Somehow I missed… — Shannon Hale Copy Share Image
In the grasp of self-righteousness of his heroism a never want to accept that A women are single omnipotent in this world,… — Mak_786 Copy Share Image
If you listen to a song and get an image in your head, and then you go home and watch mtv and… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
Lets TOAST to Lying,Cheating, and Stealing…if your gonna Lie..Lie for a Friend. If your gonna Cheat...Cheat Death, If your gonna Steal...Steal a… — Ash Sweeney Copy Share Image
“I'm still furious with you," she murmured, kissing a line down his chest. "Oh, God, please don't be furious," he choked out… — Adele Ashworth Copy Share Image
I saw one of the old 'Tom and Jerry' cartoons the other day. I hadn't seen it for 30 years and I… — William Hanna Copy Share Image
Girls, If a guy only want you for your breast, thighs and legs! Take him to KFC where he can have all… — Vanity_LEO Copy Share Image
