Chic Murray

I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. "Is it Scotch?", I asked. "Why?" the butcher said in reply.…

— Chic Murray

I was taking my dog out the other day and I met this chap who asked me where I was going. The…

— Chic Murray

She had been married so often she bought a drip-dry wedding dress.

— Chic Murray

My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.

— Chic Murray

We were so poor; the ultimate luxury in our house at the time was ashtrays without advertisements.

— Chic Murray

My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged…

— Chic Murray

We've got stained glass windows in our house; it's those damned pigeons.

— Chic Murray

A neighbour put his budgerigar in the mincing machine and invented shredded tweet.

— Chic Murray

I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.

— Chic Murray

It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and…

— Chic Murray

I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.

— Chic Murray

My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.

— Chic Murray

After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.

— Chic Murray

A luxury meal was prairie sandwiches - two slices of bread with wide-open spaces between them.

— Chic Murray

I took my father on a coach trip last summer.We were halfway there when the driver lost control of the coach, it…

— Chic Murray

My sister wanted a cat for a pet... I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.

— Chic Murray

The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his…

— Chic Murray

I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section.

— Chic Murray

I won't say I was slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class…

— Chic Murray

She's a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.

— Chic Murray

I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window. "What do you want?",…

— Chic Murray

There's a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also…

— Chic Murray

This friend of mine had a terrible upbringing. When his mother lifted him up to feed him, his father rented the pram…

— Chic Murray

I was out walking the other evening. This fellow accosted me, and asked if that was the moon up there in the…

— Chic Murray

My father was a simple man. My mother was a simple woman. You see the result standing in front of you, a…

— Chic Murray