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Portrait of Lewis Black

Lewis Black

(1948) Stand-up Comedian United States

283 quotes in 1251 categories

Lewis Black’s humor lands with a punchy, exasperated flair. Here you’ll find his most memorable quips on everything from everyday annoyances to broader cultural absurdities—delivered with his trademark intensity.

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Lewis Black is a stand-up comedian from the United States, best known for The F-word.

Quick Facts About Lewis Black

Born: August 30, 1948
Nationality: United States
Profession: Stand-up Comedian
Notable works: The F-word

About Lewis Black

Lewis Niles Black is an American stand-up comedian and actor. His comedy routines often escalate into angry rants about history, politics, religion and cultural trends.

Biography source: Wikipedia

Quotes by Lewis Black

I'm a Jew.

Israel

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I'm a selfish, little pig of a man.

Little

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How our government works... it doesn't.

Government

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Self-love is a big part of golf.

Big

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MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!

Chicken

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It's 2003. Why can't I teleport?

Funny

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Political audiences are not fun.

Audience

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Everybody's got cable.

Cable

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Usually I'm too tired to apologize.

Apologize

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People would be a lot better off if they'd enjoy being single.

Being single

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I love anything that gets me outside of my own head.

Love

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Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas.

Bad idea

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There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.

Funny

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In New York, f*** isn't even a word. It's a comma.

Comma

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Everybody's family has different values.

Different

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I am Batman. That's who I am, who are you?

Batman

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Mother Teresa had a mustache. Hitler had a mustache. Mother Teresa is Hitler.

Inspirational

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Republicans and Democrats can barely do what they're supposed to do, and they sure can't do math!

Democracy

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When a country wants television more than they want clean water, they've lost their grip.

Clean

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This is what I've been waiting for my whole life. A President who's not afraid to tell the truth about being a…

Holes

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I feel the need to scream, and even if the scream is not answered, I find my sanity in the echo.

Echoes

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Nyquil comes in two colors, red and green, and it's the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green.

Color

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If you don't drink 56 bottles of water a week, scientists say you should take a garden hose at the end of…

Ass

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We have a two-party system: The Democratic Party, which is a party of no ideas, and the Republican Party, which is a…

Bad idea

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A republican stands up in congress and says I GOT A REALLY BAD IDEA!!' and the democrat says AND I CAN MAKE…

Bad idea

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I love anything that gets me outside of my own head. I love music because it's really just - I tried to…

Arthritis

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When you're fund-raising for schools, then something's wrong. We seem to have lost some sort of sense of what the common good…

Common

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See... What I felt they should have done, for our first public works project, is build a giant wall... across the entire…

Air

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One of the most important things, especially when you're leaving school, is to realize you're going to be dealing with a lot…

Idiot

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In Vegas, you have an audience you can't find anywhere else. It's from all over the country. You play Seattle, everyone's from…

Audience

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“Anybody who likes writing a book is an idiot. Because it's impossible, it's like having a homework assignment every stinking day until…

Book

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It's 'Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, except there's just one degree, and Kevin Bacon is Hitler. Can I play? Let's see. Mother…

Degrees

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You are an adult, and you can dress up whenever you want to. You don't need permission anymore! If you wake up…

Batman

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When I'm funny is when I'm angriest.

Comedy

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Glenn Beck has Nazi Tourettes'.

Beck

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We have fossils... We win!

Fossils

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I have N'Sync and Aerosmith and Britney Spears. I have a trifecta from hell.

Aerosmith

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There is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bllodeshot eye.

Absolutely

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Socialism appeals to me. It's like imposed Christianity. You've got to share.

Appeals

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You got to be just stupid to not be focused on alternative energy.

Alternative energy

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Lewis Black by topic

People (40) Thinking (33) Ifs (30) Funny (30) Trump (25) Humor (25) Knows (21) Want (20) Should (19) Time (17) Years (14) Republican (14) Politics (14) Comedy (14) Life (13) Democrat (13) Long (12) Country (12) Kids (11) Inspirational (11) Feels (11) Democrats (11) Writing (10) Two (10) Parenting (10)