Now, they say that New Zealand is beautiful and I do not know -- because after 22 hours on a plane any… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
North Korea is the country that the monkeys in the Wizard of Oz came from. — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
Elected officials shouldn't get to choose who gets to choose elected officials. — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap. — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
If I wanted to be bored by 6,000 pages of unreadable dreck, I'd read War and Peace four times. — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
That's the funny thing about religion: it doesn't matter what you say, you're going to upset someone. — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
I was home alone watching George Bush speak on television. So it was just really the two of us. And as I… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
It was the coldest winter ever! I thought last winter was the coldest winter ever, but I was wrong now wasn't I?… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
Now, most of the time you couldn't be too sure of the quality of the drug. Although, in my experience the stuff… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn't funny. Dumb is when you… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
When they played, it wasn't music. It was the sound of chaos. I knew it was the sound of chaos because you… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
It took forever for me to get work because I was a political comic, and now it's become good business, and God… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
They've gotta stop reporting wind chill. That's nonsense. It really is. I don't know where they came up with it, why they… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
If you are an adult, and you are planning to dress up on Halloween... don't. I will find you. I will hurt… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
You want to know what it's like to be on a plane for 22 hours? Sit in a chair, squeeze your head… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
Can somebody explain to me why Pepsi and Coke advertise? Are we missing something? Seriously, everyone in this room has drank enough… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
If you don't drink 56 bottles of water a week, scientists say you should take a garden hose at the end of… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
This book is dedicated to all of my friends who helped me get to where I am today - you know who… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
If you listen to a song and get an image in your head, and then you go home and watch mtv and… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes."… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
I don't believe pumpkin pie is even made from pumpkin. I mean, how can something that smells that shitty make a pie… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
I had more material on weather than anyone else, I guess, ... back when I was traveling a lot on the road… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
People go to Vegas, and they don't know what to do; here's what you do. You go to the casino in your… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
Christians have created a holiday that has become a beast that cannot be fed. Christmas gets longer and longer and longer, and… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
I think one reason people play golf is it allows them to obsess about something other than the daily crap. It takes your mind… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
If you're going to vote for somebody because you think they have a great faith in God, you'd better be sure that God has… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
I think that I don't panic as much as the folks on the left or the right do. I don't have that sense of… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
“I don't know if you've noticed, but our two-party system is a bowl of shit looking at itself in the mirror.” — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
These ballot initiatives against same sex marriage remind us that America is the land where people are free to dream whatever they want, so… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
If you're going to pick a book and you want to base a system of government around it, why not 'Harry Potter?' — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
No matter what, your parents are going to worry about you. I had a tour bus, and my mother still thought I was broke.… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
I'm always amazed when I hear people saying, "That George Bush, he's a great leader". And I wonder, where can one find a drug… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
I knew that I'd lived in New York too long when, a few years ago, I was on a subway going downtown, and it… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
If you're seeing a psychiatrist, you're wasting money because all you've got to do is get on a plane, get on a subway tomorrow… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap. — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
I'd like the campaigning to be about all the things they're not going to do. Just tell me what you're not going do! Don't… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
