There are two things I know about life... Only the good die young but the real jerks will live forever. — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
We don't have seasons anymore. You know why? We lost the ozone layer. Well, put it on milk cartons - let's find… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
Now, they say that New Zealand is beautiful and I do not know -- because after 22 hours on a plane any… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
Pursue whatever it is that you want to do with your life. It is the only secret to happiness that I know… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
I had to watch the Republican stuff which makes me feel even older than I am. By the time I get through… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
I have no religion because I was born and raised Jewish. And on the first night of Hanukkah, my parents, when I… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
I think inevitably over the course of my lifetime there's been an underestimation of the American people, and I believe they are… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
I never thought that Bill Clinton should be the president. When he was running to be the president of the United States,… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
Going up to Canada is great because I'm not dealing with people carrying their agendas into the room. I'm lucky because 97%… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
It took forever for me to get work because I was a political comic, and now it's become good business, and God… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
They've gotta stop reporting wind chill. That's nonsense. It really is. I don't know where they came up with it, why they… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
[The Weather Channel] is the most watched cable channel in America. I'll repeat that. It is the most watched cable channel in… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
I've seen the end of the universe, and it happens to be in the United States and, oddly enough, it's in Houston,… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
One thing I know about the rich, being rich, is that you can take money from me and tomorrow, I'm still going… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
This book is dedicated to all of my friends who helped me get to where I am today - you know who… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
You know what would help the instruction form? Verbs! Verbs would be nice! Because they help you get to the end of… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
I went to New Zealand this year, and, whew man, I know a lot of people want to go there. But let… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
You want to know what it's like to be on a plane for 22 hours? Sit in a chair, squeeze your head… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
People go to Vegas, and they don't know what to do; here's what you do. You go to the casino in your… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
I think one reason people play golf is it allows them to obsess about something other than the daily crap. It takes your mind… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
If you're going to vote for somebody because you think they have a great faith in God, you'd better be sure that God has… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
I think that I don't panic as much as the folks on the left or the right do. I don't have that sense of… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
“I don't know if you've noticed, but our two-party system is a bowl of shit looking at itself in the mirror.” — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
These ballot initiatives against same sex marriage remind us that America is the land where people are free to dream whatever they want, so… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
If you're going to pick a book and you want to base a system of government around it, why not 'Harry Potter?' — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
No matter what, your parents are going to worry about you. I had a tour bus, and my mother still thought I was broke.… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
I'm always amazed when I hear people saying, "That George Bush, he's a great leader". And I wonder, where can one find a drug… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
I knew that I'd lived in New York too long when, a few years ago, I was on a subway going downtown, and it… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
If you're seeing a psychiatrist, you're wasting money because all you've got to do is get on a plane, get on a subway tomorrow… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap. — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
I'd like the campaigning to be about all the things they're not going to do. Just tell me what you're not going do! Don't… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
![“[The Weather Channel] is the most watched cable channel in America. I'll repeat that. It is the most watched cable channel in America. They were worried about the terrorists immobilizing us, and a portion of our countrymen watch weather. 'Kay, you don't get any more immobile than that... unless…” quote by Lewis Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/356/lewis-black-1143_america_the-weather-channel-is-the-most-watched_2201685.jpg)
