It's amazing what I could've written in my life if I had realized that I should keep writing and not masturbating. — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
"Equestrian", by the by, is the gayest word in the English language. In fact, I thought Brokeback Mountain should have been called… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
There should be a law that you can't shut down the government - that you don't have that power. — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
See... What I felt they should have done, for our first public works project, is build a giant wall... across the entire… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
I believe that summer is our time, a time for the people, and that no politician should be allowed to speak to… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
I believe that every paper in the country should have one headline that when you read it, you laugh so hard you… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
I never thought that Bill Clinton should be the president. When he was running to be the president of the United States,… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
Is a BJ adultery? What? Did I miss a day of school? Of course it is! Oral sex is adultery like Curling… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
I knew that I'd lived in New York too long when, a few years ago, I was on a subway going downtown,… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
I am angry that the Democrats don't have the ability to explain to Republicans that we should be able to feed people… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
When people come to my act any time after Thanksgiving, I usually say, You shouldn't be here. You should be shopping. Our… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
If you don't drink 56 bottles of water a week, scientists say you should take a garden hose at the end of… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
I don't buy the 'at 60 it's great to have kids' thing. I don't buy the line that has been thrown down… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
The thing is, whenever I see Hillary Clinton, I feel like I have to vote for her. She makes me feel guilty… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
Democrats should be focused on which way we can help the most people in this country, and Republicans should be focused on… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
Here's why I think there's something a little odd with George Bush. Because a lot of the times when he speaks, his… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
I think one reason people play golf is it allows them to obsess about something other than the daily crap. It takes your mind… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
If you're going to vote for somebody because you think they have a great faith in God, you'd better be sure that God has… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
I think that I don't panic as much as the folks on the left or the right do. I don't have that sense of… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
“I don't know if you've noticed, but our two-party system is a bowl of shit looking at itself in the mirror.” — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
These ballot initiatives against same sex marriage remind us that America is the land where people are free to dream whatever they want, so… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
If you're going to pick a book and you want to base a system of government around it, why not 'Harry Potter?' — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
No matter what, your parents are going to worry about you. I had a tour bus, and my mother still thought I was broke.… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
I'm always amazed when I hear people saying, "That George Bush, he's a great leader". And I wonder, where can one find a drug… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
I knew that I'd lived in New York too long when, a few years ago, I was on a subway going downtown, and it… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
If you're seeing a psychiatrist, you're wasting money because all you've got to do is get on a plane, get on a subway tomorrow… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap. — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
I'd like the campaigning to be about all the things they're not going to do. Just tell me what you're not going do! Don't… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
