I knew that I'd lived in New York too long when, a few years ago, I was on a subway going downtown,… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
The only thing dumber than a Democrat or a Republican is when those pricks work together. You see, in our two-party system,… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
There are two things I know about life... Only the good die young but the real jerks will live forever. — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
Nyquil comes in two colors, red and green, and it's the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green. — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
We have a two-party system: The Democratic Party, which is a party of no ideas, and the Republican Party, which is a… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
"Equestrian", by the by, is the gayest word in the English language. In fact, I thought Brokeback Mountain should have been called… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
A father and two sons run Adelphia. It's a cable company. And they took from that company a billion dollars. A billion.… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
It's a big thing now: A lot of people want to be assistants to celebrities. If you're pursuing that, you're an idiot.… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
I was home alone watching George Bush speak on television. So it was just really the two of us. And as I… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
Here's why I think there's something a little odd with George Bush. Because a lot of the times when he speaks, his… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
I think one reason people play golf is it allows them to obsess about something other than the daily crap. It takes your mind… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
If you're going to vote for somebody because you think they have a great faith in God, you'd better be sure that God has… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
I think that I don't panic as much as the folks on the left or the right do. I don't have that sense of… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
“I don't know if you've noticed, but our two-party system is a bowl of shit looking at itself in the mirror.” — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
These ballot initiatives against same sex marriage remind us that America is the land where people are free to dream whatever they want, so… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
If you're going to pick a book and you want to base a system of government around it, why not 'Harry Potter?' — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
No matter what, your parents are going to worry about you. I had a tour bus, and my mother still thought I was broke.… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
I'm always amazed when I hear people saying, "That George Bush, he's a great leader". And I wonder, where can one find a drug… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
I knew that I'd lived in New York too long when, a few years ago, I was on a subway going downtown, and it… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
If you're seeing a psychiatrist, you're wasting money because all you've got to do is get on a plane, get on a subway tomorrow… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap. — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
I'd like the campaigning to be about all the things they're not going to do. Just tell me what you're not going do! Don't… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
