It's amazing what I could've written in my life if I had realized that I should keep writing and not masturbating. — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
You're on Facebook, and these people seem to have endless lives. I don't have time to live my life, let alone tell… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
I think the only reason you visit an Apple store is because you wonder what life is like on another planet. — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
This is how sad my life is: I got a scar from scratching my chicken pox too much. That's my big scar… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
There are two things I know about life... Only the good die young but the real jerks will live forever. — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
This is what I've been waiting for my whole life. A President who's not afraid to tell the truth about being a… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
For a while, I thought the great disappointment of my life was that I don't have a family of my own. Then… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
Apparently there is no profit in the unique, or not enough to make it worthwhile to preserve. Ultimately it drains the life… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
I don't care who wins because I go to sporting events to scream. It's the one place on the planet you can… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
No matter what, your parents are going to worry about you. I had a tour bus, and my mother still thought I… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
Pursue whatever it is that you want to do with your life. It is the only secret to happiness that I know… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
Every other civilized country has determined when life begins and it's something that eludes us. We've got things that have to be… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
The kids say golf taught them this and that. I get it with the military: A guy joins the military because he… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
I think one reason people play golf is it allows them to obsess about something other than the daily crap. It takes your mind… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
If you're going to vote for somebody because you think they have a great faith in God, you'd better be sure that God has… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
I think that I don't panic as much as the folks on the left or the right do. I don't have that sense of… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
“I don't know if you've noticed, but our two-party system is a bowl of shit looking at itself in the mirror.” — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
These ballot initiatives against same sex marriage remind us that America is the land where people are free to dream whatever they want, so… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
If you're going to pick a book and you want to base a system of government around it, why not 'Harry Potter?' — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
No matter what, your parents are going to worry about you. I had a tour bus, and my mother still thought I was broke.… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
I'm always amazed when I hear people saying, "That George Bush, he's a great leader". And I wonder, where can one find a drug… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
I knew that I'd lived in New York too long when, a few years ago, I was on a subway going downtown, and it… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
If you're seeing a psychiatrist, you're wasting money because all you've got to do is get on a plane, get on a subway tomorrow… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap. — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
I'd like the campaigning to be about all the things they're not going to do. Just tell me what you're not going do! Don't… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
